Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2007/01/17/world-tour-epic-films/
I received three movies today. I purchased each one because I enjoyed them each a great deal. They are epic films–two are over three hours long–and they’re all movies I watched alone in Walnut Creek after Yayoi left last year. So, they have an extra layer of special to me. Looking back, I would say that long, dramatic historical epics are great “breakup movies” to watch alone while contemplating life. Or, well, they worked for me.
As memory serves, the first movie that I saw was “Lawrence of Arabia” in which an eccentric, talented, idealistic, and iconoclastic young man with blond hair and dreamy blue eyes gets mixed up in the Arab revolt against British colonial rule. When you meet him as a young man in an office in the middle of the desert somewhere, he is explaining to his companion, in the third person, how boring his current job is . . . he extinguishes a match against his hand, just because, and when his friend hurts himself copying the move, and wants to know the trick, Lawrence explains “the trick is not to be bothered by the pain.” The movie is about three and a half hours long, which is insane, but then so is the subject matter, and three and a half hours is not so long to find yourself lost in the mystery of Arabia. I believe I watched this movie twice, and my description doesn’t do it justice.
The next is “Doctor Zhivago”, that movie we’ve all heard about but none of us has ever watched. Well, I watched it. I don’t remember it as well as Lawrence, but I do remember that this was another epic 1960’s film in which you could get lost in the lead actor’s face, his eyes. You again have the impression of a remarkable man in remarkable times, and the three and a half hours is spent guiding the protagonist through the vagaries of the Russian Revolution and World War II, ending up in this enchantingly weird “ice palace” toward the end. I look forward to an occasion to re-watch this . . .
. . . the third film–and there’s a good chance that you have never heard of it–is Zhang Yimou’s “To Live” . . . at a modest two hours and thirteen minutes, you witness the story of a guy whose wife leaves him because he won’t stop gambling, and he gambles everything away, and then he’s drafted into the war to fight the Japanese, then he finds himself fighting the Communists, then he finds the Communists have pretty much won, he makes his way home, is rejoined by his wife, and it turns out that having lost his material wealth is a good start for Communism . . . the film just barely starts there, and you travel through another decade or two of their life together under the various kinks of Chinese rule. In that it is an epic that brings you through WWII and a Communist revolution, this movie is a lot like Zhivago, but more focused on action and narrative than on the character of the protagonist. I think it is more approachable.
And, more precious. It is out of print and the DVD was over $50 on the Amazon.com Marketplace!
I am thinking I will have to have friends over some nights for epic movie watchin’. If you happen to be interested in getting in on a viewing, let me know, right?
2 Comments
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/11/21/condom-innovation/
I have a love-hate relationship with condoms.
I love worrying less about STDs and unplanned pregancy.
On the other hand, they require a bit of “planning ahead” so that you will not be caught unprepared with your pants down. When you do have them handy, hopefully they are close enough that you will not have to leave the embrace of your partner, hopefully your slippery fingers will find a corner of the packaging amenable to tearing, hopefully you will feel out the appropriate orientation so you don’t waste your effort trying to unroll the thing backwards, and hopefully you’ll pull it all off–err on–quickly enough to minimize the mood-killing time spent away from your lover fiddling with modern packaging.
Then–and while you’re not supposed to tell the skeptical teenagers this–although one might take pride at having managed the condom maneuver well, the physical sensations that ensue are never of the caliber found without a condom. One swallows these modest tragedies for the sake of engaging in quality lovemaking, but wouldn’t it be nice if condoms were somehow better?
Build a better mousetrap . . . alas, build a better condom, and the Internet will beat a path to your door. Pronto condoms has recorded nearly a million hits on their web counter: they have just launched a condom in South Africa with special packaging designed to make it easier to “get it on.” The demonstration video brought a moment of joy to my heart, because at last, the powers-that-be are thinking of people like me and trying to make my sex life better!
All the same, I will be truly impressed when they get that down to a one-handed maneuver. And even with this bit of innovation, there is still plenty of room for improvement for the world’s most popular prophylactic technology! A brighter future awaits! Let us get it goin’ on!
Thanks, Good Magazine.
3 Comments
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/10/11/marriage-i-we/
There’s a talk thread on Yelp about Cohabitation. Marla S made a good point, which I think is good to bear in mind if one aspires to cohabitate and marry.
The gist of it is: when you are living together, you’re thinking about I: “Can I live with this person?” But for a healthy marriage, you need to be intent on adapting your life to your relationship with your partner: you need to be thinking about we: “Can we realize our common dreams?” There’s a difference that should be considered when moving from cohabitation to marriage.
It is the difference in mind-set, I think, moving from being a self-centered adult to a founding member of a new family, that gets you in practice for being a parent.
I think a lot of people must get tripped up, since becoming an adult is about moving from dependency to being independent, and being married and starting a family is about moving from independence to interdependence. (And then having kids adds never getting enough sleep, changing diapers and the occasional trip to the emergency room.)Â It takes a lot of character building and revision, just when you thought you had it all figured out . . . a lot of folks I know seem content to stay at “adult” and are reluctant to venture much further.
1 Comment
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/09/22/makeout-tips-eyeglasses/
So, I been distracted this morning by a talk thread on Yelp. It turns out that guys make passes at girls who wear glasses after all, and at least among the Yelpers, a nice pair of eyeglasses is a total turn-on. But what happens when you have successfully flirted and are ready for some lip action? How do you negotiate interfering eyewear without making a spectacle of your affection? Well, as a long-time wearer, here’s my tips for making out with eyeglasses:
TIP: If you wanna make out, TAKE YOUR GLASSES OFF!
TIP: If you’re having a nice evening with a date who wears glasses, and then you notice they’ve taken their glasses off, it is maybe time to gracefully excuse yourself, or get ready for some HOT.
TIP: If your date is going well and you want to get them “in the mood” you could try sliding their eyeglasses off, and setting them somewhere safe, and then bringing your face close to theirs to stare into their eyes, your mouth slightly agape as your eyes wonder intently at this newfound intimacy . . .
TIP: DO NOT LAY THEM ON THE BED. I testify from personal experience that they can get squished and then your eyeglasses are a tragic victim of your own romantic success.
5 Comments
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/09/10/romancing-myself/
At Church, this morning, was read the following poem, which resonated with current life activity:
Love After Love
Derek Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
On Labor Day I took myself out on a date: we went to Peet’s, then had some pizza, and then popcorn and soda while watching the new Woody Allen movie at the local theater. “I was born in the Hebrew faith, but when I got older I converted to Narcissism,” said Woody. (more…)
Feedback Welcome
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/09/09/divorce-and-taxes/
One interesting thing about getting divorced in California is that you have to wait six months after filing for a Joint Petition for Summary Dissolution of Marriage, before you can petition for final judgement. Yup, it takes six months to get a divorce. “You’d think they’d make you wait six months before getting married,” was Grandma’s response.
This leaves open questions as to what constitutes Community Property, and filing taxes. Answers I have not easily found online. A bit of “friendly advice” I got from someone is that Community Property ends at separation. As far as filing taxes, I found another bit of advice:
You are considered unmarried if you were legally separated on December 31 or if your spouse did not live in your home for the last six months of the year.
So, let us say your spouse seperates from you in April, files in July, and you are still legally married until January. As best I can tell, you file separately, and the assets your acquire later in the year are yours.
Of course, I am neither a lawyer nor an accountant.
Feedback Welcome
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/09/01/quotidian/
A few cool quotes Grandma forwarded to me. This I’d say “lost . . . and found:”
It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it,
But it’s also true that we don’t know
What we’ve been missing until it arrives.
I have felt both ways about my wife, and now I’m looking forward to discovering what else I have been missing.
I recall the scene from “Dances With Wolves” where the one guy tells Dunbar that he was good friends with Stands With a Fist’s deceased husband, and he at first resented Dunbar, but now he thinks that maybe his friend “left” because he knew Dunbar would come along.
Then, “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life . . .”
Don’t go for looks; they can deceive.
Don’t go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile
Because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.
And then, ask a optimist:
The happiest of people
Don’t necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
There have been times when I was maybe more bi-polar, and people would ask, “why are you so happy all the time?” And I would answer “Because it beats being sad!”
Feedback Welcome
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/08/27/sharing-paradox/
When you are just trying to enjoy the moment, and not start a relationship, you are much freer in sharing yourself. This tends to be when you fall in love despite yourself.
When you are trying to pull off a relationship, you are more inhibited. You take some care in how and what you reveal so as not to scare off the other person. Then you do an impaired job of being present in the relationship.
You do best, in my opinion, when you shrug off that inhibition, and share yourself freely, but considerately. The best medium, I think, is when you are broaching some potentially sensitive topic and ask your partner if they are comfortable about it and they can find it in themselves to be comfortable, because they dig you, they are coming to accept you for who you are, and not for who you present yourself to be.
And of course, in order to best be accepting of another person’s sharing, you’ll have to be accepting of what you know about yourself. Love starts in your own heart.
“Be a brilliant soul
Sparkling in the galaxy
While walking on Earth.”
And also, be polite. If you are an interesting cat, there can be a lot to take in. Don’t hold back on the sharing, but leave enough time for listening to appreciate how much sharing your partner can digest in a sitting. That is a good opportunity to shift gears, shut up, and listen. Especially for us guys, listening is a skill that takes a bit of cultivation.
Feedback Welcome
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/08/25/recycling-baggage/
Just after we moved to the new place in Walnut Creek, the marriage started falling apart. Throughout the crisis my attention was focused on that, and a lot of daily life stuff just stopped completely. Here’s the pile of unopened bills, some with yellow forwarding stickers from March. The pile in the foreground is in the recycling, the background pile are keepers.
Since I started the new job, all bills are caught up, and the credit cards are all paid off for the first time in a couple of years. I don’t want to go back and keep my records straight for the last half year, as it would be too painful. I’m giving my financial records a “fresh ‘start over'” in Quicken.
This picture doesn’t make me sad or anything, but kind of glad to be paring things down and moving along. The pile just struck me as symbolic, so I self-indulgently snapped a picture to share.
Feedback Welcome
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/08/21/nice-girls/
Anna, thanks for the link.
This ode rocks:
I’ve read the tribute to the nice guys; this is my response.
This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give it up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe… maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.
(Read the whole dang thing.)
Reads a bit like “Howl . . .”
I think that one thing that gets a lot of us derailed is the whole consumerism aspect of modern life. It is suspiciously weird when you’re “shopping around” for someone to walk up to you with their heart on their sleeve and be real. At best, its too-good-to-be-true. “What’s the catch?” And, often enough, you’re not that interested, because you’ve gotten used to being attracted to people who are more screwy than this.
And I think that’s how we end up with “nice guys” and “nice girls” having such a hard time getting anywhere. Everyone’s after the bling . . .
I, on the other hand, for the time being, get to let go of my love and my anger, such that I can kind of observe from the sidelines and try not to get overly-fixated on this game. Ahhh, delicious abstraction! Hopefully I can keep my consciousness with me as I move along with life. Of course, life itself never gives you a “break” . . . we keep it interesting over here.
2 Comments
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/08/14/quotes-quotes-quotes/
While waiting on a file transfer, perhaps I can share a variety of quotes that have caught my mind lately.
I attended San Francisco’s Unitarian Universalist church for the first time this Sunday. One of the hymns has some lyrics which I dug:
We’ll be a land building up ancient cities,
Raising up devastations from old;
Restoring ruins of generations.
Oh, we’ll build a land of people so bold.
Barabara Zanotti
“We’ll Build a Land”
Then, several quotes from the August, 2006 issue of The Sun, dealing mostly with romantic relationships. (A subject especially near and dear to my heart this year.)
It remains inexplicable to me that we can finally become happy again after someone we love has died. Yet there I stood at the end of my bed, a scant four years out, feeling happy. Was this not betrayal? It does not help to say that the dead are gone and do not care. The problem of grief is never with them; it is with us, with those who remain. Like the bed we lie in, it is ours.
Susan Carol Hauser
“The Marriage Bed”
And a bunch of “Sunbeams” starting with something light-yet-presidential: (more…)
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Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/07/20/sundays-note/
As jotted on the Sidekick:
I know that I have not yet cried the last of my tears over the life that I have lost this year. That said, I think things are going as well as, or perhaps even better than anyone would reasonably expect. I have learned a great deal about the strength of my love and my ability to perservere through hard-love times. I have been reminded of the value of being a friend, a family member, a coworker, a parishioner, or just plain nice guy on the street for folks going through a bad patch.
I have learned to be less shy about reaching out, asking for an ear, asking for a hand, or just asking to be included.
I have a stronger bond with my Mother, Grandmother, Sister, Uncle John, Uncle Bill, Dad and Gwen.
There was the time I came home and couldn’t deal with the empty house and I called Mom and she could hear my shaky voice and she let me cry, yet again, and she knew the pain that I was in. I tear up just recounting this story, but it means the world to me.
Tonight I have to pack, not merely for a week-long business trip to Washington, DC but also I need to pack up the stuff remaining in the house–my stuff, which needs to get moved to San Francisco the day after I return from my trip. The trip should go well but it’ll be a pretty intense work experience with the guy who is replacing me. And while this guy is a thoroughly wonderful guy, I mean, working long hours in the data center followed by a shared hotel room is maybe going to be a bit much. Also, Northern Virginia is a suburban hellhole.
So, another tough week ahead, hopefully with its share of joy: meeting old friends in DC and spending time with my coworker and our boss. Then, a busy weekend of moving, then, a new life.
With no pause in between.
I know that in San Francisco I will yet shed tears over my wife, my love, my marriage, the Japanese side of my family, and the life I lost. But month after month those tears will grow fewer, and before long there will be no tears at all.
At least, no tears about the past. The future holds many tears of joy and sorrow yet to be shed.
And shared.
Alas, I ended up a bit melancholy and ended up watching a DVD of Newsradio instead. And the week has been going less-than-awesome, such that my return may potentially be postponed a bit. But, we do what we gotta do . . .
2 Comments
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/07/08/ride-now/
It is hot and I decided I needed some exercise. I needed to sweat! So, for the first time in a long time I hopped on my bike, and began to pedal . . . down the street, down another street, across another street, down a street, taking a fork in the road . . .
It occurred to me that I could get lost, but I decided that was okay, because I know that with enough time, patience, and faith, I can always find my way back. So, I kept going, knowing that wherever I am, I am always Here. So . . . I kept going, looping slowly onto more familiar territory, and back home.
Now, time to head down to the peninsula for a party. I feel really good lately, and I attribute it to the fact that on Tuesday, I followed my idea of “direct action” down to the book store, and found what I believe to be sufficient knowledge of How People Work, and How Relationships Work, specifically romantic love and extra-marital affairs, to finally understand some of the details that have bugged me the most. Now that I understand, my mind has very little need to obsessively ask itself what happened, any more. Tranquility.
This morning I attended my first “Men’s Breakfast” at MDUUC. I had no idea what to expect, but . . . man, it was a wonderfully powerful sharing among a lot of older, mostly wiser men, about their lives. That was really good stuff.
One thing that caught in my head is an observation that . . . in Western culture, we tend to perceive the Mind as the Self. But in some of the traditions that stress meditation, the Mind joins the Body, as a conjoined set of tools, through which the Self then experiences the world. With that understanding, you can allow yourself to experience a given moment more fully, and with a little discipline, you learn to allow the Self to step outside the Mind, and examine and shape your behavior in the context of what you hope to achieve.
Right now, I’m going to get Mind and Body packed up in the Car, and enjoy my afternoon down in Cupertino.
Feedback Welcome
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/07/07/revenge/
From the Talmud, via http://www.quotationspage.com/subjects/revenge/:
“Live well. It is the greatest revenge.”
I am totally getting my revenge. :)
1 Comment
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/06/29/true-wife-confessions/
Oh man, I just swallowed my gum:
Confession #100
I resent paying for Head and Shoulders shampoo so much that I have been buying generic shampoo and putting it into the same Head and Shoulders bottle for over two years. Honey, you’re bald and you don’t need shampoo anymore. You especially don’t need one that controls dandruff. You have more hair on your ass than you do on your head and you use soap on your ass.
Enough already!
I read this out loud to a coworker, and she said that yes, it took her boyfriend some getting used to the fact that she freely expresses her opinions, like “that is the ugliest shirt I have ever seen.”
One of the key desires I have for the woman I hope to pair with is that she be sassy. (more…)
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