About Me, Biography, Relationship Advice

“Bachelor 2.0”

As best I can tell, late last year when I was focused on work, and Yayoi was stressed with school and life, she began to confide her frustrations in a friend. This friend, while smart, knows little about love, and made Yayoi feel better by reinforcing whatever negative feelings she might have felt about her husband. While she felt that “Colin is like my girlfriend Tetty” back in Chicago, her friend was not lending emotional support so much as taking advantage of an increasingly emotionally distraught woman in order to fill his own life with something he must think of as “love.”

In time, I began to feel uncomfortable. As she spent more time with her “girlfriend” I began to complain about the lack of attention, affection, and respect. In the weeks before she initially left her eyes turned black and she would spend most of even the weekends with Colin. This hurt me, and I complained more, and asked what she needed from me. I was unhappy with our relationship. I wanted better.

But she left. For Spring Break. She finally had sex with him “because I felt so lonely.” After a week, she was ready to come back. But after what I assume was intense emotional manipulation she showed up 90 minutes late only to tell me she had changed her mind, and was going to stay with Colin.

This broke my heart, and ripped my soul in two. I bawled harder than I had ever done in my life. But as I lay in bed, I could feel the pieces of my soul drifting back towards me. I rose again, to express my love, my willingness to change. Please, remove yourself to a neutral environment! After the encouragement of Colin’s mother, she did just this, and spent some weeks with a mutual friend from church. She said that she had not meant to shut me out, and I continued to express my desire for reconciliation. We attended some counseling together.

But she did not want to sacrifice her friendship with Colin. I assume he became increasingly desperate because Yayoi became increasingly irrational and hostile. She said many irrationally hurtful things, and it took a great deal of strength to fight for my love for her and our marriage through that. I perservered. Some days were better than others.

When I left for Colorado, I invited her to stay at our place. Take some time to figure things out. Some space to think. Don’t do anything awful that you will regret, and remember that we have had a good life together. When I returned, I went to stay at my friend’s place. An hour and a half commute in exchange for some time and space for my wife to know her heart seemed worthwhile. She wanted time to finish finals and think things over.

But I came home one day, to pick up some underwear, and when I left her a note I turned the note over to find the outlines of a trip to Canada, where shitface is from, immediately after finals. I confronted her and she said that by “taking time” she just wanted to double-check her assumptions to leave with him. She felt it “would be mean” of her not to give me “a second chance.”

I gave her an ultimatum: she had to stop hurting me and choose her path in life. I returned home and we spent a tender night together. The next morning at school Colin focused his intensity back upon her. She came home at night and once again said she wanted a divorce. I talked through everything with her, and she admitted that I might be right about everything, but that she had to leave, she didn’t know why. Colin came and picked her up, for the last time.

Since that night, last Thursday, I have been sleeping well. Vik and Becky took me to Napa with another couple for the weekend. Friends, family, coworkers, and my employer have all been wonderfully supportive through this ordeal. Now it is down to paperwork, and a six month waiting period. So far, we have managed to avoid lawyers.

This has happened to women and men before. This will happen to others again. I have learned a lot and through the pain I have emerged stronger. I know the path ahead will not be easy, but I’m glad to at least know that I am moving ahead. I wish the confused, damaged woman that is my ex-wife well, and I know that Colin Rhodes, Canadian-American, night-shift security guard, Diablo Valley student, aspiring technology professional, and comically self-righteous prick, will face his own karma in time.

To those that have supported me in these dark times, I love you. You have my deepest gratitude. For those just reeling from the blow of reading these words, I am sorry that you did not hear from me in person. I have retold this story a thousand times lately, and I need to put it behind me. And to any of my people who feel that it has been awhile, or they want to renew our friendship, or would enjoy seeing me again, do get in touch. I’ll be doing what I can, introverted though I am, to be better at reaching out to my friends, but I am kind of shy.

I feel blessed. I am lucky. Bad things have happened, and they break my heart, and test my strength. But I have the strength, and I have it in me to learn from this experience and some day it will be to my advantage to have lived this trial. I wish everyone the best in their own relationships, and if you can use an ear in overcoming some darkness, I may have something useful to share.

“This too, shall pass.”

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Categories: About Me, Biography, Relationship Advice

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  • Tara

    I just happened to stumble upon this blog, and wanted to say I’m sorry for everything you’ve gone through. Keep your chin up. Things will be alright.

  • Ouch. I’d heard things weren’t going well, but Jesus…

    I’m sorry this happened to you, and that the two of you couldn’t work this out to a better conclusion. But I’m glad you have the sense to look up and look forward, and that friends close by took the time to drag you out and help get your spirits back up.

    Hang in there. You will get past this.

  • matt

    I heard about this and realized it had been far too long since I’d checked your journal out.

    I don’t know how much about my divorce you know, you can see the gory details here, but in brief: I know exactly what you’ve gone through, what you’re going through and, hopefully, where you’re heading. At the time everything was going on, some very good friends had a lot of good advice for me and none of it included the usual “everything will be fine” and “everything for a reason” rhetoric. Instead I was told it was ok to embrace my anger. That I was allowed to be outraged at a situation that couldn’t be described any better than screwed up. That mentally torturing myself, while not healthy, was perfectly reasonable given the events.

    And I did. And I vented. And it felt good. And I moved past it and now everything is peachy but that isn’t to say the road I’ve walked was easy. You’re a good man, Dan. You’re better than Yayoi and you’re better than how she disrepected you by leading you on. Speaking from first hand experience I can tell you that while karma might never catch up with them, you will be a better man for having lived through this. In the end you tried your best and are emerging the bigger person and for my last little nugget of wisdom: do. not. under. any. circumstances. be. ashamed.

    I was ashamed of what had happened to me for a great deal of time. I thought people would hear my story and see me as some Jerry Springer guest, moaning about how I was betrayed and taken advantage of. But as I told more and more people I knew, I was left with the impression that I was right in feeling wronged. There’s nothing ok with what was done and anyone with any sense of justice will agree with that.

  • Sarah


    *sending e-hugs*

    I just want you to know that from the few times I’ve met you, I think you are really terrific. Not just you’re really funny when your toasted, or because you throw a mean party with donuts, bacon, and pizza.. .. mmh.. it helps though! *wink*

    If you feel the need to make up a brute squad .. I wanna be the first to fully volunteer. Cause I am large and in charge baby! gimme something to do with all these many pounds and pounds of fercious cellulite!

    In seriousness though. You did all that you could on your part, and no one could have asked for anything more than that. In some cases you may feel like you did too much, but there was no other way for you to have changed that outcome. Not alot of people can walk away with that kind of.. clean break? I know you are all Northern Cali, but if you get a chance.. maybe head down towards the souf’. Southern cali has this power to heal alot of deep wounds. Take the time for you. Find out what you need. What you want. What you as a decent human being deserve. And never settle for any less.


  • Danny,

    Sorry to hear this happened to you. Hope everything will turn out all right.

    Hang in there. All the best to you and your family.

  • Good luck, Dan.

  • I am so, so sorry. I know exactly what you’re going through, and it sucks.

    I’m going to e-mail you with my cell number. You’re going to call me, and I’m going to take you out for ice cream. I haven’t really talked to you in forever, and it’ll be good to catch up.

  • Andy

    I was looking for how to use a pipe with syslog and got into your blog. Damn the internet is amazing. If I had walked into your bedroom and started reading your notes about your love lost, you probalbly would have pulled out your gun and shot me. About the loss of companionship — brother, the memory of the pain will not go way, but your ability to look beyond it will improve quickly. BTW, you tried to bring back one last “tender night” so I think you may now agree that you dont stay together, or keep someone, because of sex — every day either of you can walk away no matter how old you are or how long together. I am trying to tell you that she didnt leave because she didnt like you (or your sex or your money or your concern for her) but aparently shitface fulfilled her dream of the future better than you. Start now by learning to talk about the future, set a future state and look back — fantasize about how you got there. Look for a partner that shares your vision of the future (and you of theirs). Maybe start learning with your father, ask him how he sees his future and what is your role in it and visaversa. Maybe Christiana or Sah-rah want you for your great body, enjoy, but maybe … grow and evolve. My thoughts, as in all prayers, connect me to the good in you and to the good in the future you create. Cheers.

  • Mike


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  • Dave + Linda


    Thinking of you and wishing the best for the future… I know this must be incredibly painful but time will help and a good guy like you will always come out of something like this for the better.

    Dave and Lin.

  • D

    dannyman, that just sucks.

    I agree with the person above who promotes SoCal. Come back and surf kayak again!


  • I found your site looking for interviewing advice…
    Well, I wish you all the best and I guess life sucks. But it’s been a year? Does that mean things are better, or are things never better?
    Best wishes.

  • Very sorry…it wasn’t a year ago, was it :(