dannyman.toldme.com

Wednesday, 12 May

Wednesday before last I finished my last final, for Geology 118, at about 9AM. I walked out of Greg Hall and toward the crowd and just kept thinking to myself, “Done, Done! DONE! DONE!!”

It’s one thing to be done with a final. It is another to be done with all your finals, and thus with your semester. It is another thing to be done with your last semester, about to graduate. It’s another thing to be done with the last formal education you have any immediate plans for for the rest of your life.

Saturday, 15 May

After relaxing and packing and otherwise casually enjoying myself and trying to tune the car, and visiting Chicago one last time, I woke up Saturday and remember driving over to Piccadilly and fitting two kegs of beer into the back of the Volkswagen – one Honey Brown and one Ice House. Throw in another 100 lbs of ice and you have yourself a party, if you count the propane fillup, and all the food and other stuff gathered by Scott and Chad, and the legwork done on getting the hot tub working, on the part of Scott and Oleg.

Before taking off for Piccadilly, Dad and Gwen arrived. After getting the kegs set up and Mom, Grandma, Uncle John and Jessy arrived from Chicago, we headed over to Foellinger for Humanities Convocation II. A relatively small ceremony by U of I standards, but still probably lasting at least an hour, each of us from several majors, most notably English and Rhetoric, taking our turns to strut across the stage. Everyone was in a good humor.

Upon returning home, some friends of Chad had already arrived and the grilling was beginning. Scott started out strong on the grill, making much food as he had prepared to do. As the night wore on Tunji, Goth Dan, Brijeet, Jay, Tim Skirvin and all the Allenites, ‘toly and Morris and Anne Nowinski and Rene and others showed up. Vern rode the nookie van down from Chicago and Mark Meyer and his girlfriend showed up. What started as a nice cookout got better as the hot tub opened up, and the less inhibited folks, almost exclusively my friends, tried it out. The sun went down, Beth came by, beer in a hot tub … ahhh …

Sunday, 16 May

… and we woke up the next morning … Adam had slept on our couch, and I believe he and Scott were hung over, the hot tub having a dehydrating affect which improves the punch of alcohol. About one in the afternoon we finally got up and going with Chad and Christina over to I think the place is Merry Anne’s. Good breakfast food. In the afternoon Beth came by and we took a walk together and bid some goodbyes. The day was good and slow and lazy, and included the Simpsons going to Japan, which I found hysterical and over the top. Plus a rerun of a good, classic X-Files.

Monday, 17 May

My bike rack and other car parts arrived via UPS in a pretty timely fashion. The last bits were packed in boxes, the rear seat folded down, computers in the way back, under boxes and boxes and blankets. Bike rack and two bikes, one being Erik Gilling’s, on the back. Passenger’s seat held junk food, monitor on the front seat floor, covered by a blanket. Dad and Gwen arrived from Chicago and thus did we hit the road, eventually finding our way up to 80 West and driving on through Iowa until the wee hours when I started feeling punchy and we pulled over in a small town in Nebraska. I slept across the front seat, wrapped in a sleeping bag, legs resting out the driver’s window. Dunno if Dad got a picture of that or not.

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Date: Mon, 17 May 1999 01:27:32 -0500
From: dannyman <dannyman@dannyland.org>
To: DaZeD! Notification <dazed@dannyland.org>
Subject: [dazed] the time is now

well, in the morning i'll wake up, finish packing, clean the floor, and head
out in the beetle to california.

it still seems unreal, but i reckon it'll pass.  this is the wackiest thing
i've done with my life since joining the army, and i agree with grandma when
she said this struck her as a much much much better thing that joining the
army.

on friday i returned to chicago and closed my bank accounts ... well, actually
i left about $500 in checking and i've got to balance to make sure nothing
will bounce, but i've a happy bankroll to bring me out here, then a few
thousand dollars with which to pay rent and cover tuition on upon arrival.

then i went by enteract, going out to lunch with vernell and sharon, and
buying pizza in the evening for those employees present.

saturday, i got the two kegs for our party, then went with the family to the
humanities convocation.  afterwards it was barbequeing, drinking and hot tub
madness.  beth dropped by later in the evening and there was some nice
send-off kissin'.

today?  pretty lazy, we woke up late and had breakfast at aunt sonya's.  beth
again dropped by and we had a little walk and a talk together.  the day was
cleaning and packing and watching tv.  we also helped chad grade cs225 exams.

tomorrow?  wake up, finish packing, drop off my cap and gown, await the ups
shipment, do additional tuning to the car, pack up the car and hit the road.

i start one week from today - next monday that is.  i'm betting lucy will make
it out there without any major troubles.  the odometer oughtta flip right
around CA.  I'll snap a picture, i promise.  one friend observed before i
could think of it the symbolism of making a "new start".

perhaps i'll find some flowers for my hair as i drive through san francisco.
:)

well, consider this a preview of a forthcoming journal entry, and a thanks to
those of you on this list who have played key roles in making my future seem
all the more reasonable.  i love you all.

see you on the other side.

dannyman
.. terminating transmission from urbana ..

-- 
dannyman - http://www.dannyland.org/~dannyman/
-*DaZeD!*--
http://www.dannyland.org/cgi-bin/majordomo for assistance.

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Sunday did MikeyA arise early by MikeyA standards, and trudge down with Dana and I to an inexpensive Mexican restaurant. They ordered each huevos rancheros, but being on an expedition, I ordered the huevos nopales, which is eggs with shredded cactus.

It did come with beans and rice and salad and tortillas. Perhaps owing in part to the night before, I called a truce, and stopped short of consuming the whole enchilada, as it were. But those were some damned fine tasty tasty eggs.

Mikey then took me to see some more sites. We returned to the shop we’d spotted the night before, and I procured the shirt I had spotted the night before. Then we drove up Market St, through the Gay district, past Castro, past old-fashioned cable cars that they bring into service during the summer, past several Volkswagens, including a handful of Ghias and two Things, and up to the top of the hill that overlooked San Francisco, where I did take pictures.

Mikey said that as a kid he and his friend would hop the Greyhound into the city and have fun and play, returning home in the afternoon, rubbing some straw on themselves and telling their parents what fun they had had playing in the grassy field.

For dinner I rode over to Alameda, and enjoyed some vegan cuisine with Joyce and Harlyn. They’ve got a good house with an excellent kitchen. I did heartily approve. Harlyn had some surplus N scale model trains he’d gotten a deal on at a garage sale, and so promised a “starter set” for when I chose to move out there. Joyce was of the opinion that I should head out there and thus serve as bait so my momma would come visit the area and they could hang out together. An interesting take on the living near mom argument.

For various practical reasons I was then returned to Mikey’s place. The next morning, Mikey’s extensive research had suggested that the most reliable method of hitting the airport on time would be to drive there, rather than taking BART, Cal Train, and other public devices with disturbingly inconvenient schedules. And so then did he and me and KennyK ride on down to the airport, and so then did I bid them farewell and did they return to the aforementioned big hill to acquire a plant or somesuch titillating story.

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Saturday night we went down by San Francisco’s version of Navy Pier. Pier … 39? Anyway, all they got is a lame little carousel instead of a giant Ferris Wheel, but we had some good steaks and I saw a cute little teeshirt I just had to grab for a honey I know.

After impressing MikeyA with my ability to finish off a good meal on a full stomach … he had been concerned because I’d been taking it slow, but slow and steady and I think I finished before he did. Well, we took to ridin’ around and at an overlook just off the golden gate bridge, I did finally work loose one of my baby teeth … cuspid, I think it is. This tooth has been loose since Highschool and is all the more noticeable because of the “fang” … a canine that’s been waiting to descend into it’s place for the longest time.

Well, losing a tooth may be no big deal, but for me, it don’t happen all so often. And while I’m not one given to superstition, even this atheist tends to suspect that there may be some fate guiding his destinies. If ever there was some kind of sign, it’s losing a tooth I’ve had loose since my last big life change at the monument of the area to which I am considering my move.

At the least, it does serve as a symbol of the changes in my life. The new tooth started coming into place as I left High School, but it is not until now that the old guard has fallen away, leaving the path clear. You see in that interpretation why I can hold my own in an English course?

I had also a touch of Deja Vous. One of the few times I’ve flown on a plane was one morning as I flew from O’Hare towards Alabama when I enlisted in the Army after High School. Well, Saturday morning, I hit a sense of Deja Vous as I swear I walked past a spot I had walked that morning years ago as I boarded my flight for another destiny. This time I was walking the other way. And there wasn’t anything I really recognised … it was a section of window overlooking the runway, but I had a sudden feeling of familiarity. It was spooky cool. To interpret again, the airport represents a crossroads in one’s life, where one goes to meet their destiny. The trip to San Francisco was at a cross to the trip to Alabama. I failed in the Army, and this time I felt myself walking the other way through the cusp.

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After checking out the new office space that they’ll be moving to, which is a converted warehouse that Angus seems enamoured with, and that in its present state at least, failed to really impress me worth anything, we took off toward the city, running into possibly the worst traffic jam I’ve ever seen, across a bridge that was damaged in the last big earthquake, and up to my weekend’s abode, La Casa MikeyA de San Pablo.

Now, understand that before this weekend, I had never seen nor heard from MikeyA beyond the confines of the Internet. Mikey’s been readin’ this ol’ journal here since back in 1996 when I tried to buy a modem off of him and the power brick got lost in the mail.

MikeyA actually turned out much as I had expected him to, as far as I would dare to expect anyone to turn out as anything I would imagine for them over the Internet. He’s a big bearded biker dude wearin’ the Harley teeshirt and sporting a friendly, good-natured and occasionally mischievous attitude. He and Dana and I took to each other right away. The relationship felt like the distant young relative visiting a favoured Aunt and Uncle.

Mikey and Dana showed me the sights, fed me, and were thoroughly hospitable to the point of providing the most comfortable foldout couch I can recall having had the pleasure to rest on, and clean towels, telnet, coffee and pop and of all things, a good long ride all the way back down to San Jose International.

Traditionally the company will wine and dine and provide lodging and transportation. Well, always the unconventional one, I had departed company from the business professional and entered that of the fun professional.

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Well, this weekend, indeed, the rest of this week, is a great big one in the life of dannyman.

Last week I got the word that Tellme wanted to fly me out to San Francisco. Well hot diggidy dawg but I found the most inexpensive plane tickets I could find for such a short-notice flight, and away I went. I left early Saturday morning, riding a very uncrowded 757 from Chicago. I returned Monday afternoon, riding an overbooked MD80 from San Jose.

A quick rant about airlines here – the tickets available at the last minute go up in price about threefold, but the real kicker is that it’s cheaper to fly through Chicago from Champaign than direct from Chicago. Flying from Champaign though, this doesn’t actually upset me, but let it be observed that the cheapest last-minute flight I could reason from Chicago would have involved riding Amtrak away from the city and flying back through.

Does anyone know why it works that way?

Anyway, as I stepped out of the San Jose airport to ride along in Angus’ A4, the first thing I noted was sunshine. It was a pleasant, sunny 70 degrees. Not bad, it’s been shitty cold rain in Illinois lately, though it has been nice since I got back.

Indeed, everywhere I went the weather was different. It gets chilly at night, unlike Chicago, and because it’s all hilly and different parts are closer and farther away from mountains, oceans, and desert … well, it wasn’t any warmer than Illinois except where it is usually warmer, and some places are chillier. Weird stuff.

From the airport we drove around Mountain View and the West Bay, Angus showed me the shiny buildings that were Netscape, and a few other places. Lots of big names and impressive stuff out there. Neato. We pulled up to the Tellme temporary offices, and I met some rather interesting folks.

I’m not sure, especially because I was a little dazed at the time, having arisen at 0345h PDT, but I think I was interviewed by about half the people who were there at the time. I talked of course with Angus, but also with John, their current Internet guru, who said that I’d also have to learn myself about some secure tunneling, which struck me as interesting. I talked with Mike, the CEO, and some Engineers, Brad and Rod, each one on one.

One interviewee seemed uncertain what he should be after, so I started asking him questions, and was left impressed by my own comfort in the situation. I was actually pretty proud of that one, and glad that I didn’t make any obvious snafus that a nervous candidate might make on any of the interviews. The whole rigamarole was quite pleasant, and I felt that I got along quite naturally with everyone, and even watching discussions about internal development that went somewhat above my head, I didn’t feel out of place. The atmosphere was cordial, even better than NCSA had been, but with the informality and smallness that just made things a little more cozy, and avoided the cynicism you’re going to find in any organisation large enough to be self-conscious about itself in such a way.

I also got the impression at least, that the folks out there were each intelligent, and some especially so. The impression I’ve gotten from Angus is that he’s running about and putting together the best people he can get ahold of to put up this exciting new idea he and Mike have developed. The question that had been lurking in the back of my mind was why he’d take much interest in little old me, and as that came out in the interviews I began to put together my own little picture.

Consider if you were young and excited about creating your own startup. You have plenty of cash to go and pursue the best folks you need for the R&D stuff, and among the staff you would need are also support folks, including a Systems Administrator. For this position, a whiz kid from college should do, and so you, being the Internet hipster you are turn to the web and get yourself piles of resumes from Collegehire.com. Unfortunately, Collegehire is a slightly funny entity, and has a habit of returning a lot of obtuse suggestions. It turns out that a lot of EE/CS types, even if they have had experience adminning machines, tend to be more interested in just doing code. One candidate though is reasonably bright, and has experience and interest in the sort of stuff you’re looking for. He’s also different – a Writing major with a fairly extensive website and a sense of humour. Hrmmm …

I believe that in putting together the team, Angus may regard the company as a pallet onto which he places the colours in contrast and harmony with one another. He has some creative ego invested in the team, and takes pride in it, and one thing I have going for me is a somewhat unconventional flavour that seems to work. Voila!

Or so I tell myself. A useful mythology that pleases me, for now, for lack of any better understanding of the mysterious forces at work here. I think reality adds in a factor that maybe Collegehire didn’t do a great job, but did return one prospect that actually, when you get to know him, sounds like a good fit. At the day’s end, we know that dannyman gets it done.

Come to think of it though, the folks I know who are into running the systems tend to be more unconventional. I can think of an English major, two Rhetoric BAs, a dropout, and the entire team at EnterAct as examples of Admin-types who fall far from the traditional CS mould.

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Last weekend I jacked the car up for the first time ever to adjust the brakes. I found no brake shoe pads up front so this weekend just past I jacked the car up again and replaced the front brake shoes, packing the wheels with bearing grease and everything. The brake warning light was still on though, so I pulled the rubber plugs off of the master cylinder and drained a whole buncha what looked like wiper fluid on to the ground. Now the car stops as well as it ever has under my care. I’m downright proud.

I got the speedo working again too.

Scott recently received a compression gauge for his car/motorcycle maintenance, ordered from a spare J.C. Whitney catalog I had. Between that and my recently purchased Dwell/Tachometer and a lot of help from John Muir and my other books, I hope to get Lucy properly tuned during whatever free time I muster in good weather for coming days. The philosophy has been that once I am confident of her ability to stop, I can look at her going faster than she has.

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You know I graduate in less than a month. I have to tell myself as much more often. It helps motivate.

Last night I was up late doing homework at the last minute for ECE 338. Probably my favourite class. I’m still behind on my schoolwork, but have been catching up. I think I should pass everything.

Today I got up early and hauled ass over to DCL to hand in the homework I was up late working on. I took maybe half hour of nap this evening. I skipped lunch and had apple and a matzo for dinner. Maybe I have anxiety or somesuch shit.

So … gotta find my dream job by the end of the month. I’ve got a letter nearly ready to go back to EnterAct expressing some dissatisfaction with their initial offer, meanwhile I’m a bit anxious to score myself a trip out to California to check out this startup called Tellme Networks. It’s kind of hurried and given the lack of organization it being a startup and all it sounds a little iffy. There’s an off chance I may ride this weekend with Joe and Dave who are driving there this Friday. It all comes down to busy people finding telephone time in common.

I’d miss EnterAct though, Chicago and Illinois even more, I think. I can’t help but spending a few years in the Bay Area might make me a better person – being well-rounded and stuff. Plus joining a startup that’s just getting their office in May sounds like more of an adventure than returning to EnterAct, now EnterAct Corp. The weird thing is though it seems like it’s coming down somewhat by fate … can I get out there or not? Can EnterAct come through on a better offer on short notice or not? Maybe that’s why I hunger more for caffeine than calories … I’m as laid-back as they come, but sometimes life moves like a slow-motion toss-up.

I’m calling this Angus Davis character, the Tellme guy, tonight though. I haven’t heard anything since the second telephone interview. I don’t think I turned them off …

… meanwhile, I get calls …

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It is a damned fine day out today. Sun is shining, and the Quad is filled with students, many of whom are attractive women.

At 12:30 I had an Interview with Cisco. Cisco, like EnterAct, is one of the few companies I’d particularly like to work for, and in both cases the biggest part of that reason is that both companies seem to have their act together, and know what they’re doing better than their competitors. Cisco to an even greater degree than EnterAct, though to be sure, EnterAct is the “local” favorite.

I can’t tell how well or not the Interview went. I’m not worried.

I’ve been reading more lately. It is good, I believe, for my morale. Though it tends to make me even more quieter and introspective than usual, I think. I haven’t been talking to too many folks of late. Any time I get like this, it is usually followed by a reaction in the other way. I’m a bit sensitive about getting too nerdy or shut off or whatever, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, even if someone needs the occasional vacation from humanity.

I’ve been thinking about this bombing Serbia thing. I can’t say that I see quite why NATO is taking the initiative to bomb Serbia. If Russia had the resources to cause a fuss, things would be very messy about now. I don’t think anybody in Yugoslavia knows what the heck they’re doing, with the possible exception of the pilots who fly in there on their assigned sorties.

The other day, a lot of pro-Serbian chalk appeared all over the Quad, comparing Bill Clinton to Adolf Hitler and saying that NATO was an evil baby-killing terrorist organization. Later in the day, these chalkings were countered by others sharing the opposite point of view and comparing Milosevic to Hitler.

My reaction to the chalkings, presumably by Serbian-Americans, is that maybe if you have sense enough to get your ass out of a fucked-up situation like that, you might just shut the hell up instead of stoking the fires. But then, maybe I have too high of expectations. Hell, if it were me, I’d probably be a fire-breathing hothead myself. Human nature, or something.

And while I may not understand the logic or the authority under which the bombings are carried out, another gut feeling of mine is that if we are going to take so much military action, why not ground forces? What is perhaps the best solution is for the UN to raise its own Army, and then march it into the whole of the former Yugoslavia and occupy the place for a good fifty years or more, treating the entire population like the children they allow to lead them, and lecturing constantly about how all people are basically decent human beings and you shouldn’t be an ignorant little fascist pin-head.

I saw in the DI a little editorial excerpt from Singapore or Malaysia which was somewhat bemused by the fact that we were taking military action to defend Muslims for a change.

I don’t know … any wonder I’m more introspective? I guess reading two Kurt Vonnegut novels doesn’t help much. I think I said something about ripping one off my sister? Well, I borrowed another from our Library, which was an autobiography of a Nazi war criminal written from an Israeli prison cell. Now I’m reading Arthur C Clarke, still got the title here … “Childhood’s End” – basically the aliens come and make Earth a Utopia. I’m getting to the part where Earth has been a Utopia for a while now, but the other shoe is supposed to drop soon. It has been … foreshadowed!

A man walks down the street,
It’s a street in a strange world.
Maybe it’s the Third World.
Maybe it’s his first time around.
He doesn’t speak the language,
He holds no currency.
He is a foreign man,
He is surrounded by the sound, sound ….

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So, over Spring Break I got very little work that I needed to get done done. Instead, once I got car insurance at a cheaper rate on account of living in Urbana, we drove up to visit Grandma in the UP.

Actually, we is me and dad, and since I still didn’t have the insurance Wednesday he drove us up there in my Beetle. He drove rather well, despite Mom’s misgivings. He even fixed the brake lights three different times, and replaced a tail light.

We got there I think about 0200h Thursday morning, and spent Thursday with Grandma and Uncle Bill. We drove back Friday afternoon so I could get a head start on working. Well, heh, I headed back to Champaign Saturday afternoon and have hunkered down pretty well as of today.

Grandma’s doing great. As someone had said earlier, she’s fine and her only health problem is old age. She’s tired and more forgetful though. It is so nice to spend time with her, even if it was one day. Every time I seen her lately she’d talk about stuff I knew little or nothing about. She’s a bit more random I think these days, and I listened to things she had to say about Grandpa, most of them critical, but she said everything honestly, not like some bitter old hag. Candor is a good trait. I’m glad to see it in my family tree.

And Grandma’s my ancestral lefty, though she had the habit whacked out of her as a kid.

Anyway, enough misty reminiscence.

So, today I woke up at around 0800h, and showered, and got to class on the bike in the cold around 0910h, and then spent the morning reading the DI and a good Vonnegut novel I ripped off of my sister. I sprang for a lunch at Zorba’s – medium gyros, fries and a coke, and sat down at eesn24.ews.uiuc.edu around 1300h. I spent four hours working on Greg Jackson’s control center, then I headed home, went shopping at Schnucks, downed two roast beef on toast with cheese and lettuce sandwiches, some chips, two cokes and headed to work, where I am now.

I’ve since had another warm coke and a Twix bar. I head home at midnite. At the end of the day, I’ll have earned about $125.

Yesterday I tidyed my room some. Found my tax forms. Must file taxes already dammit … didn’t bother last year. Didn’t really care and the refund I was probably in line for is piddly enough I figured I wasn’t about to get busted by the IRS or anything.

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*** Starting conversation with ian
ian: hey bum where are ya?
dannyman: urbana
ian: i know
ian: didnt think ya were around
ian: so lemme ask you since i asked blake
ian: what you gonna do with yer life
dannyman: make some money, bone some chicks, raise some kids possibly, cause some grief, cause some joy, and die.
dannyman: you?
ian: wow
ian spins
ian: same
ian: hopefully
dannyman: you had anything specific in mind?
ian: well
ian: dunno
ian: me or you?
dannyman: you baby
ian: well
ian: ok
ian: help
ian: make ppl smile
ian: if i can create on my own
ian: cool
ian: or at least work with something that accomplishes the same
ian: i dunno
ian: ok so
ian: well
ian: how do you balance livin with idealism
dannyman: i take what i need, skim a little more of what i want, and the rest i give away
dannyman: but since i’ve been inclined to take what i need, that’s tended to leave little for charity
dannyman: after the degree, i’m going to ask for more
ian: well fuk that
ian: fuk the work
ian: see ya look out for danny first it seems
ian: seems
dannyman: fuck the work?
dannyman: in most cases, danny comes first
ian: ya
ian: most
ian: ok
ian: where do you draw that line?
ian: is it anything you decide or is it just there?
dannyman: well, it’s kinda like, i’m a component of bigger things. what is my purpose? i should sacrifice of myself for my family, my nation, the people, stuff like that.
ian: well yeah
ian: thats the choice
ian: descision
ian: cant spell
ian: but where do you decide
ian: you know you have something to give
ian: where do you decide?
dannyman: well i know i have plenty to give, it is a question of when it is necessary to give. others give for me so why should i give myself away? you give when it is needed.
ian: hehe
ian: damn danny
ian: how do you know
ian: you could easily decide
dannyman: kinda like blood – you healthy, you give blood, you have blood to spare. you in trouble, they give blood, because you need it.
ian: its never needed but for me
ian: yeah but not everyone is like that
dannyman: what is never needed?
ian: they take
ian: and they dont give
dannyman: hrmm
dannyman: it probably depends how optimistic you are too. ;)
dannyman: and what you value
ian: well thats what im askin
ian: hehe
dannyman: nevermind that i have more cause for optimism than you do … among ppl, i’m in a very good place.
dannyman: but then, so are you.
ian: well
dannyman: it’s kinda like the government … always takes taxes, but then i don’t particularly mind the free roads, the subsidised oil, the free and subsidised education, the attempts at social welfare, the national defense …
dannyman: … nevermind the hassle it saves if i had to provide all that shit myuself
ian: true
dannyman: on a smaller level, i try to be friendly to ppl, smile, be polite, courteuous.
dannyman: sometimes when you need that, then other ppl come through, but then fools like me have likely been smiling at them a long time is why. ;)
ian: lol
ian: you think
dannyman: it’s like that saying “if you’ve got it, flaunt it!”
ian: i dunno
ian: matches brb
dannyman: and the more optimistic you are about what you’ve got, the more you can flaunt it.
ian: see i got too much of that christian shit
ian: i feel almost bad flaunting it
ian: its like
ian: help
ian: and fade back
dannyman: hrmm
dannyman: flaunting good will should be a good christian thing though.
dannyman: it’s like, if i goty cash on me, i’m a good tipper
ian: should i agreee
dannyman: not like i wal;k around in flashy nikes. ;)
ian: didnt get taught that for a long time
ian: ya
dannyman: though some ppl get annoyed by cheery ppl
ian: lots do
ian: hehe
ian: just been hard fer me lately to decide if im helpin anyone
ian: all my life when i worked for anything it was to help and all
ian: now i dont feel that :/
dannyman: hrmmm
dannyman: well, you work to help ppl get on the internet all day ya?
ian: yeah but why
dannyman: and you don’t take much in the way of money eh?
ian: not for any idealistic reason
ian: hehe no
ian: :P
dannyman: and then to top that off, you don’t spend all that big enteract paycheck all overyourself either …
ian: lol no i feel too guilty :P
ian: but shit
dannyman: maybe in your spare time, you still feel like you got extra to give, you can volunteer and shit.
ian: this is the first job
ian: where
ian: i werked for profit
dannyman: profit is a good thing, ian.
dannyman: depends what you do with it.
ian: well
ian: how did you get that viewpoint
dannyman: you can profit from work so you’ve more to give elsewhere.
dannyman: i listened to enough republicans and extracted the grains of truth.
ian: course you could work direct to help
dannyman: and my mom is a good example.
ian: hehe
ian: how so?
dannyman: she’s pulling down big money now, but still volunteers her extra time at church and library, and has 52 charities which get a contribution once per year.
ian: yeah but you always profit off somoene
dannyman: if nobody profits, what’s the sense in the loss?
dannyman: the point to investing your time is that someone profits
ian: there is none
ian: no loss i can live with
dannyman: hrmm
dannyman: i read gandhi
ian: loss hurts and i dont like
dannyman: i started to get tired of his tireless self-richeousness.
dannyman: and i wasn’t the only one.
ian: i never read
dannyman: one of his sons made the point that if ppl like gandhi are giving it all away, maybe it is so that others can take some.
dannyman: some ppl like to devote their lives to service
dannyman: some devote their lives to consumption.
dannyman: i want to balance it out in my life, but provide more than i take.
dannyman: that’s partly coz when i was a kid, we din’ have a lot, so i know i really don’t need so many toys ..
ian: ya
dannyman: some ppl don’t realise they want too much … welll, i can be happier with less, so why not?
dannyman: they get too greedy, i’l lay the smack down, and if i get too greedy, some one can smack me.
dannyman: so if you wanna give it away, fine. if you wanna treat yourself, fine.
dannyman: i tend to like the less self-indulgent myself. :)
*** Signoff: ian (Read error: 54 (Connection reset by peer))
ian^: hehe fukin enteract
dannyman: charitibility is an opinion, a point of view. gandhi thought pacifism was a similar point of view, and hoped that if one were to take up a good cause by their preferred means of violence that they might also succeed.
ian^: and do you usually assume ppl are say more self sacrificing or less?
dannyman: i usually assume i can spot ‘m from time to time.
ian^: to me tis a hard descision
ian^: idealy
ian^: to say well
ian^: they want to be that
ian^: let em
dannyman: i figure what goes around comes around … too much greed will lead to disaster, which breeds sacrifice
ian^: ill be how i am
dannyman: as long as you are aware of what’
dannyman: s going on, you’ve got a leg up on everyone else. ;)
ian^: how do i know
ian^: i mean
ian^: i could be nieve
ian^: sp?
dannyman: naive
ian^: thanks
ian^: hehe college boy ;)
dannyman: you live you learn
dannyman: the greedies will take you for a fool
ian^: overall ppl who give are easy prey
ian^: ya
ian^: but is that bad?
dannyman: while others will give you gifts you never realise
ian^: sometimes
dannyman: and if the charitable are taken advantage of too much, they become less charitable
dannyman: if everyone around you is a pig, you may find your charity wasted among them
ian^: but
ian^: then you get into religion
ian^: give and try to show
dannyman: speak for yourself ;)
ian^: someday one might see
dannyman: give for the sake of giving
dannyman: if you can educate with an example, that’s nice too.
ian^: lots to think about
ian^: i mean
ian^: shit
ian^: give why
ian^: to puff yerself up?
dannyman: but giving for the sake of showing how you can do your good deeds … showing off? that’s just another form of self gratification
ian^: y
ian^: a
dannyman: you give because it’s right
dannyman: din jesus say to pray in the closet
ian^: hehe
ian^: and who does
ian^: not many
dannyman: but still be a witness for others
ian^: from my life
ian^: in chitown
ian^: i mean
ian^: i can count on one hand
dannyman: the best ppl i find keep their goodnerss close to their heart, while preaching or demonstrating by example on occasion
ian^: ppl who feel like that
ian^: ya
ian^: say me
ian^: not yer concern
ian^: but
dannyman: many ppl don’t question themselves like you are
dannyman: some are good without realkizing it
dannyman: some are bad for the same reason
ian^: wish i could do that
ian^: i think too much
dannyman: you’re just conscious of what your doing, which is a nifty gift, even if it might drive you batty sometimes
ian^: lol
ian^: make me dum danny
ian^: :P
ian^: i always wanted to ask ya
dannyman: hehehe
ian^: i mean you can go in circles
dannyman: i’d tell you to go beat yourself in the head, but you couldn’t do that because you know better
ian^: i can anyway
ian^: like ok im good
ian^: why am i good
ian^: why do i feel bad for being good
ian^: why do i care
ian^: but then its always that core
ian^: where it is beyond me
dannyman: well, you’re good and you can do better. are you being a sucker? i dunno. are things working for you anyway? push the envelope maybe, or just go wack off.
ian^: lol
dannyman: it’s all the same to an atheist like me.
ian^: as i am
dannyman: coz in the end i’
ian^: say now
ian^: talkin to blake
ian^: tryin to find out
ian^: he sees it diff
dannyman: m a mass of pulp who does good for his own self-conscious sake
ian^: well ok danny
dannyman: i think me and blake talking could be insightful :)
ian^: why is is self concious?
dannyman: what about self conscious?
ian^: how much do you look at what you do
ian^: or do you just do
dannyman: mmmm prolly a lot more than most ppl. i keep trying to outsmart myself you know ;)
dannyman: but then i never get anything done unless i tell my consciousness to shut up and do
dannyman: dumb ppl get a lot of shit done
ian^: why?
dannyman: do they do the right thing? i hope so.
ian^: well why do they
ian^: assuming they do
dannyman: smart ppl better do better smarter coz they blow a lot of time thinking about it ;)
dannyman: why do they do right?
ian^: ya
ian^: i mean
ian^: well
dannyman: maybe they were brought up right
ian^: hehe why though
dannyman: a lot of them do wrong. bad environment
ian^: could have easily been brought up to be selfish
dannyman: ayup
ian^: and think hurt is ok
dannyman: ayup
dannyman: they msay think hurt is GOOD
dannyman: if they fuck you over, they’re doing good by keeping you down and taking care of number one
ian^: ya
ian^: so
ian^: say to me
ian^: thats not kewl
ian^: that hurts
dannyman: no it sucks
ian^: and brings everything down
ian^: but
ian^: who am i to say/
ian^: it keeps them alive
dannyman: so the clever ones can maybe figure out a way to convince them that hurt aing good
ian^: ya
ian^: you dont find many clever evil ppl
ian^: hehe
ian^: when ya do though
ian^: they are GOOD at it
ian^: hehe
dannyman: a benefit of sel;f-awareness and understanding moticvations is that you can maybe alter your own ambitions and others too
ian^: not to run in circles
dannyman: a lot of clever evil ppl are either lucky, or they’re really torn up inside
ian^: cause i do
ian^: but hmm
ian^: too much catholic guilt
dannyman: well, you run in circles, you get in shape for when you gotta run somewhere else. ;)
ian^: how do you look at that and not think better of yourself?
ian^: hehe
dannyman: how do i look at what?
ian^: that is the quote of the year i think :D
ian^: well ok
ian^: take you
ian^: how you see yerself
ian^: not dum
ian^: say hmm
ian^: not better
ian^: but
ian^: in a sense
dannyman: well
dannyman: i’m extrremely intelligent
dannyman: i’m not better though. better off
dannyman: might does not make right, though it gives you the chance to see yourself that way.
ian^: seems hard the way things are to fall into that
dannyman: i suppose i could teach myself to manipulate others very well for my own ends, and whose to say i shouldn’t … if i’m smarter, i deserve more no?
ian^: yes
ian^: and you could say
dannyman: no i don’t desrve more
ian^: well you make your world
ian^: why dont you?
dannyman: i was given more, so i should figure out how to give more.
dannyman: the game of accumulating more that gets boriong … the game of balancing things out is more interesting. :)
ian^: why do you think that thouhg
ian^: agreed
ian^: but i mean
ian^: how many ppl you know that think
ian^: i was given so much
ian^: i should share
ian^: i dunno
ian^: lol i know im not gonna know tonihgt
ian^: if it all clicked id be handing out danny books :P
dannyman: sure … if it starts to make sense to you, please write it down and send it over. :)
ian^: lol
ian^: dont hold yer breath
ian^: :P
dannyman: coz then you’ll save me the work of understanding it more formally.
ian^: i doubt that :P
dannyman: aww c’;mon bro, i’m just tryin’ to mooch good works offa ya. :)
ian^: lol
ian^: night danny
ian^: girlie callin
dannyman: score!
ian^: lol
ian^: shush
ian^: just called to say she is goin out some :P
dannyman: going out some?
dannyman: with you?
ian^: ya
ian^: no
ian^: lol
ian^: course not
dannyman: hehehe
ian^: :P
ian^: cut my hair too short fer that
ian^: :P
dannyman: well, i did have a hope there you know. ;)
ian^: nono
ian^: heheheheh
*** Ending conversation with ian^
ian^: hey one last thing
ian^: i could look but have you updated yer journal at all?
dannyman: not in a while
ian^: i saw
ian^: why not?
dannyman: busy, but also unsettled
dannyman: i’m dating a 17-year old for one …
ian^: asian again?
ian^: hehe
dannyman: not sure how much i wanna talk about it before i’ve talked to her some more.
ian^ nods
dannyman: no, she looks a lot like me actually
ian^: i gave up someone for stiinky enteract
ian^: wow
ian^: hehe
dannyman: frankly, i’m glad to branch out, but there’s always gotta be a catch. ;)
dannyman: no wonder you look so defeated. :)
dannyman: well, inddex is working
ian^: how so?
ian^: im scattered
ian^: tonight is my rum nighht
ian^: forgive me
dannyman: thas okay dude
ian^ sighs
dannyman: well, you have an aura about you of “droopy” you know, the cartoon dog? that’s because you chose work over nookie.
ian^: ya i know
ian^: this is the first time too
ian^: i dont like it
dannyman: you’ll perk up someday. get yourself a bug :)
ian^: lol
ian^: ghia!
dannyman: that’s how i got me bethy here. :)
ian^: :D
ian^: i member now you mentioned
ian^: same girl
ian^: ?
dannyman: she was cruisin with the girlfriends, then suddenly flipped for my beetle. :)
dannyman: yup
ian^: :DDD
dannyman: pimpmobile i tell ya :)
ian^: lol

Feedback Welcome

I fixed the car today. All by myself. But that comes at the end of the story.

This weekend, I caught a ride up to Chicago with Goth Dan and Brijeet, with the object of picking up the car. Well, we came around to this garage in Evanston, and there, waiting quietly in the alley, was my pretty blue Beetle. I exchanged keys and a bill for a check for some five hundred and fifty dollars.

I see I haven’t typed of this previously, so let’s rewind a few weeks, as the blizzard was clearing up and my hopes were for commuting back and forth between Urbana and Chicago a few times before classes started. Well, the first time I tried this, the car stalled out at an Amoco on the north side. Would not start, and I nearly killed the battery with my wishful thinking.

So Uncle picked me up, and we left the keys with the station attendant for the mechanic to take care of. The mechanic found that, as I had believed, there was an oil leak problem. Well, this mechanic is wiser, I think, than my young, naive recklessness, and wrote on his bill that the car should not be driven until the oil leak was fixed.

Well, I was down at school by this part, and it was left to Uncle and his friend Bill the Mover to retrieve the car from the Amoco. Bill the Mover had some insight, and recommended a place in Evanston, called Rolf’s. Well, turns out Rolf’s was not interested, but recommended this other guy, who apparently works quietly out of his house, and whom we’ve never seen, which lends an attractive mystique to the whole affair.

Well, this guy Dave had to pull the engine and the transmission to clean a whole bunch of stuff out that had become fouled by the whole thing. Parts and labor added up to $550, but it was well worth it. When we came to pick it up, I turned the key, and realized I was in a different car.

As with the brakes earlier, and the steering, previously, I had no idea that an old Beetle was supposed to ride so well. Well, it helps when all the cylinders are firing, and I’ve learned a good lesson – if you buy a Bug, find a Bug guy, and have him go over it completely. And Dave is a bug guy, because when we got the bill, it was printed in the corner the words Dave’s Old Bugs.

So, anyway, it sounded different, louder, there’s a lot more power now, so much so that I’m re-learning how to drive it. Well, me and mom and Uncle were so impressed we each took a few turns test driving it around the neighborhood Friday night. This was after I’d astounded them by folding down the back seat, which I figured out how to do after spotting another Beetle with the seat folded down. They both swore they didn’t know it was possible, and it took some experimenting to guess out the mechanics of it. My hunch is that this is a late model / Super feature.

So, Saturday morning, I reconnected the fresh air box, packed the car, and off I headed. Only I lost my ability to idle while still in Chicago. It’s a bitch to stall out when you wanna stop, so when I did have to stop, I was pumping the gas and the brake alternately. I also several times managed to restart the engine by engaging the clutch, which has made me more confident in my ability to drive stick. I was worried that things had gone so bad, but was determined to push on to Urbana. Again, this was a reckless thing to do, but dammit …

Idle aint so important on the highway anyway, except for a traffic jam on 94. That was almost fun to deal with … slowing down as much as possible without stopping, and restarting the engine. Ahhh … hell, it was kind of fun, except for the worry of ending up in a stranded car. See, another problem is that it dont start so well when it’s warmed up.

Anyways, so I got to Champaign, and got off at Market Street, not wanting to stall out at the busier, yet closer, Lincoln Street exit. I was also plotting the best route in terms of avoiding getting stuck in the middle of a busy street. This was wise, because I was stuck on many a side-street, pushing her down a hill a little ways and reassuring every other person who stopped by that I didn’t need help. That’s the nice thing about the country – people like to help out. At one point I was getting kind of frustrated, when a bunch of people popped out of nowhere and cheerfully pushed me down the street ’til the engine started.

Part of it too, I think, is that it is a Beetle, and so people tend to have even more positive reactions. Something about a bunch of older college students giving my VW a push arose in me some ancient sense of nostalgia that this had been done before, but more likely in the seventies or early eighties. I may be funny, but I swear we all might have felt something like that.

Anyway, a phone call (message) to Dave, and two rather helpful emails from a post I made to the air-cooled VW newsgroup later, and this morning I wandered out in the rain, inspected the ignition coil, and noted that the wire to the idle solenoid had slipped off. A little prestidigitation and the car was new again.

So I drove over to Allen Hall, found some kids who wanted to go to Meier, and after letting Dave Hayashida buy me a butter dish and some raisins, we managed to pack four people, six or more cases of soda, and a lot more stuff into the Beetle for the ride home. One of the guys, who I can’t say I know or even remember too well any more, was even good enough to give a little wisdom for my shifting – I’m pretty nasty going into first and second still – I’m used to driving a crappier car.

I’m also thinking of a name for the car. I’ve selected one to review, but I’m going to sit on it for awhile and decide if it really is something I’d want to Christen her with.

Good car.

You know, I’ve other things I wanted to talk about, I’m sure, but I just couldn’t recall them any more.

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