Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/08/27/sharing-paradox/
When you are just trying to enjoy the moment, and not start a relationship, you are much freer in sharing yourself. This tends to be when you fall in love despite yourself.
When you are trying to pull off a relationship, you are more inhibited. You take some care in how and what you reveal so as not to scare off the other person. Then you do an impaired job of being present in the relationship.
You do best, in my opinion, when you shrug off that inhibition, and share yourself freely, but considerately. The best medium, I think, is when you are broaching some potentially sensitive topic and ask your partner if they are comfortable about it and they can find it in themselves to be comfortable, because they dig you, they are coming to accept you for who you are, and not for who you present yourself to be.
And of course, in order to best be accepting of another person’s sharing, you’ll have to be accepting of what you know about yourself. Love starts in your own heart.
“Be a brilliant soul
Sparkling in the galaxy
While walking on Earth.”
And also, be polite. If you are an interesting cat, there can be a lot to take in. Don’t hold back on the sharing, but leave enough time for listening to appreciate how much sharing your partner can digest in a sitting. That is a good opportunity to shift gears, shut up, and listen. Especially for us guys, listening is a skill that takes a bit of cultivation.
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Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/08/25/recycling-baggage/
Just after we moved to the new place in Walnut Creek, the marriage started falling apart. Throughout the crisis my attention was focused on that, and a lot of daily life stuff just stopped completely. Here’s the pile of unopened bills, some with yellow forwarding stickers from March. The pile in the foreground is in the recycling, the background pile are keepers.
Since I started the new job, all bills are caught up, and the credit cards are all paid off for the first time in a couple of years. I don’t want to go back and keep my records straight for the last half year, as it would be too painful. I’m giving my financial records a “fresh ‘start over'” in Quicken.
This picture doesn’t make me sad or anything, but kind of glad to be paring things down and moving along. The pile just struck me as symbolic, so I self-indulgently snapped a picture to share.
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Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/08/21/nice-girls/
Anna, thanks for the link.
This ode rocks:
I’ve read the tribute to the nice guys; this is my response.
This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give it up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe… maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.
(Read the whole dang thing.)
Reads a bit like “Howl . . .”
I think that one thing that gets a lot of us derailed is the whole consumerism aspect of modern life. It is suspiciously weird when you’re “shopping around” for someone to walk up to you with their heart on their sleeve and be real. At best, its too-good-to-be-true. “What’s the catch?” And, often enough, you’re not that interested, because you’ve gotten used to being attracted to people who are more screwy than this.
And I think that’s how we end up with “nice guys” and “nice girls” having such a hard time getting anywhere. Everyone’s after the bling . . .
I, on the other hand, for the time being, get to let go of my love and my anger, such that I can kind of observe from the sidelines and try not to get overly-fixated on this game. Ahhh, delicious abstraction! Hopefully I can keep my consciousness with me as I move along with life. Of course, life itself never gives you a “break” . . . we keep it interesting over here.
2 Comments
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/08/14/quotes-quotes-quotes/
While waiting on a file transfer, perhaps I can share a variety of quotes that have caught my mind lately.
I attended San Francisco’s Unitarian Universalist church for the first time this Sunday. One of the hymns has some lyrics which I dug:
We’ll be a land building up ancient cities,
Raising up devastations from old;
Restoring ruins of generations.
Oh, we’ll build a land of people so bold.
Barabara Zanotti
“We’ll Build a Land”
Then, several quotes from the August, 2006 issue of The Sun, dealing mostly with romantic relationships. (A subject especially near and dear to my heart this year.)
It remains inexplicable to me that we can finally become happy again after someone we love has died. Yet there I stood at the end of my bed, a scant four years out, feeling happy. Was this not betrayal? It does not help to say that the dead are gone and do not care. The problem of grief is never with them; it is with us, with those who remain. Like the bed we lie in, it is ours.
Susan Carol Hauser
“The Marriage Bed”
And a bunch of “Sunbeams” starting with something light-yet-presidential: (more…)
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Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/08/07/yelp/
It is Monday morning and I rolled in to work around 10. Yay flex hours! I checked on and repaired a technical issue I’m working on, then got down to checking e-mail. I found a link to this article which does as good a job of any at describing my new employer.
At first the graph displaying traffic growth is gratifying, then I notice that it is a logarithmic scale, and say to myself “oh yeah, I have a lot of work coming my way” as keeping servers up and running is my little contribution to the whole build-a-better-web-site-by-building-better-users dealio.
The video was fun to watch, though my coworkers look a lot younger. They haven’t deported the British Guy yet: he’s just too cool. I would “embed” the video here but WordPress seems to eat up the HTML code. Dang. Anyway, back to work!
1 Comment
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/07/20/sundays-note/
As jotted on the Sidekick:
I know that I have not yet cried the last of my tears over the life that I have lost this year. That said, I think things are going as well as, or perhaps even better than anyone would reasonably expect. I have learned a great deal about the strength of my love and my ability to perservere through hard-love times. I have been reminded of the value of being a friend, a family member, a coworker, a parishioner, or just plain nice guy on the street for folks going through a bad patch.
I have learned to be less shy about reaching out, asking for an ear, asking for a hand, or just asking to be included.
I have a stronger bond with my Mother, Grandmother, Sister, Uncle John, Uncle Bill, Dad and Gwen.
There was the time I came home and couldn’t deal with the empty house and I called Mom and she could hear my shaky voice and she let me cry, yet again, and she knew the pain that I was in. I tear up just recounting this story, but it means the world to me.
Tonight I have to pack, not merely for a week-long business trip to Washington, DC but also I need to pack up the stuff remaining in the house–my stuff, which needs to get moved to San Francisco the day after I return from my trip. The trip should go well but it’ll be a pretty intense work experience with the guy who is replacing me. And while this guy is a thoroughly wonderful guy, I mean, working long hours in the data center followed by a shared hotel room is maybe going to be a bit much. Also, Northern Virginia is a suburban hellhole.
So, another tough week ahead, hopefully with its share of joy: meeting old friends in DC and spending time with my coworker and our boss. Then, a busy weekend of moving, then, a new life.
With no pause in between.
I know that in San Francisco I will yet shed tears over my wife, my love, my marriage, the Japanese side of my family, and the life I lost. But month after month those tears will grow fewer, and before long there will be no tears at all.
At least, no tears about the past. The future holds many tears of joy and sorrow yet to be shed.
And shared.
Alas, I ended up a bit melancholy and ended up watching a DVD of Newsradio instead. And the week has been going less-than-awesome, such that my return may potentially be postponed a bit. But, we do what we gotta do . . .
2 Comments
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/07/08/ride-now/
It is hot and I decided I needed some exercise. I needed to sweat! So, for the first time in a long time I hopped on my bike, and began to pedal . . . down the street, down another street, across another street, down a street, taking a fork in the road . . .
It occurred to me that I could get lost, but I decided that was okay, because I know that with enough time, patience, and faith, I can always find my way back. So, I kept going, knowing that wherever I am, I am always Here. So . . . I kept going, looping slowly onto more familiar territory, and back home.
Now, time to head down to the peninsula for a party. I feel really good lately, and I attribute it to the fact that on Tuesday, I followed my idea of “direct action” down to the book store, and found what I believe to be sufficient knowledge of How People Work, and How Relationships Work, specifically romantic love and extra-marital affairs, to finally understand some of the details that have bugged me the most. Now that I understand, my mind has very little need to obsessively ask itself what happened, any more. Tranquility.
This morning I attended my first “Men’s Breakfast” at MDUUC. I had no idea what to expect, but . . . man, it was a wonderfully powerful sharing among a lot of older, mostly wiser men, about their lives. That was really good stuff.
One thing that caught in my head is an observation that . . . in Western culture, we tend to perceive the Mind as the Self. But in some of the traditions that stress meditation, the Mind joins the Body, as a conjoined set of tools, through which the Self then experiences the world. With that understanding, you can allow yourself to experience a given moment more fully, and with a little discipline, you learn to allow the Self to step outside the Mind, and examine and shape your behavior in the context of what you hope to achieve.
Right now, I’m going to get Mind and Body packed up in the Car, and enjoy my afternoon down in Cupertino.
Feedback Welcome
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/07/07/revenge/
From the Talmud, via http://www.quotationspage.com/subjects/revenge/:
“Live well. It is the greatest revenge.”
I am totally getting my revenge. :)
1 Comment
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/06/29/true-wife-confessions/
Oh man, I just swallowed my gum:
Confession #100
I resent paying for Head and Shoulders shampoo so much that I have been buying generic shampoo and putting it into the same Head and Shoulders bottle for over two years. Honey, you’re bald and you don’t need shampoo anymore. You especially don’t need one that controls dandruff. You have more hair on your ass than you do on your head and you use soap on your ass.
Enough already!
I read this out loud to a coworker, and she said that yes, it took her boyfriend some getting used to the fact that she freely expresses her opinions, like “that is the ugliest shirt I have ever seen.”
One of the key desires I have for the woman I hope to pair with is that she be sassy. (more…)
3 Comments
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/06/24/ride-captain-ride/
I had in mind, a line, from Shakeapear’s “Othello”:
“Perdition catch my soul, but I do love thee. And when I love thee not, chaos is come again.”
Which today I shall parse as:
“Loving you is hell, and when I stop, it is back to chaos.”
The chaos is some part of your life like an old sailing ship tossed in unknowable directions by a storm at sea. We don’t know how long it will last, and the captain best have a clear mind, a steady hand, a strong will, and a good heart. The ship must have a crew of loyal friends and family who keep the ship right through troubled waters. As the storm clears, the clouds break, the sun shines, and the telescope is raised, one can see the distant shore. The objective is to arrive whole and sane, so that you may rise to the challenges and opportunities afforded by the new land.
I’ll be canoeing tomorrow. Go figure.
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Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/06/23/feeling-lucky/
Ahhh, Google Custom Home Page, you are having a bad day.
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Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/06/16/good-poems/
On the way home today I stopped at Barnes & Noble, thinking to find either some poetry or a book of jokes. Specifically, I was looking for some good poetry that might stick in the mind. I visited my old friend Ginsberg, but he can be awfully tedious. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a book called “Good Poems” . . . selected and introduced by Garrison Keillor. Now, Garrison himself is a tedious windbag who shouldn’t spend the hours each week he does on public radio, but I have heard some good stuff on The Writer’s Almanac and these are poems from there.
I grabbed a Tazo, sat down across from a pretty student, and opened the book and indeed, found a good poem. Then I found a good poem I thought I’d share with Yayoi, but then I recalled I don’t share with that person any more. I found instead a poem I will share here, since it is kind of topical: (more…)
4 Comments
Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/06/13/weekend-notes/
Friday night, volunteer at a “single professionals” party. Dig that I am the youngest person there. Some of the old ladies are looking fine, but I’m in for people-watching. Their hopes inspire.
Saturday night, first date. A woman I like, more than I should just now, but hey. We take it easy.
Sunday morning, setting up for church, sermon, farewell, lunch, strawberry shortcake.
Home to chat with a friend on the phone.
Out to San Francisco for the Haight St Fair. Crowded bus, cheek to cheek with a beautiful stranger. Disembark, greeted by an aged Chinese flowergirl, lemonade fried mushrooms and high with old friends. Dancing to raggae on a crowded sidewalk.
Floating to the mission, sangria, calamari, and salad.
Switch dates.
Potatoes, chicken, and more sangria. A walk with a pretty philipino and a furry lhaso apso.
Ride home with a doggy in my lap, crash, and wake up restless but groggy at 4am, determined to keep on.
Oh, hell yeah. It is midnight Monday now, I am completely exhausted but still a bit euphoric. I will add that “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” is a freaking bad-ass, hard-core, balls-to-the-wall awesome movie. Watch it! Ah yes, and I squeezed in a thoroughly platonic date with a second lady this evening. We had a good time, touching only with our eyes. Works for me! Good week, everyone!
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Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/06/12/gitmo-terrorists/
You hear about the three guys who hanged themselves to death at Guantanamo, using their bedsheets? You might have thought “suicide” but apparently, you were wrong:
“They have no regard for human life, neither ours nor their own. I believe this was not an act of desperation but an act of asymmetric warfare against us.” – Navy Rear-Admiral Harry Harris, base commander
I myself, have been wondering about the purity of my seed since I began drinking flouridated water.
But, uhm, thanks, Haidong, for the link.
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Link:
https://dannyman.toldme.com/2006/06/12/true-giving/
Eknath Easwaran:
The Buddha is sometimes quoted as saying that desire is suffering. A more accurate translation is that selfish desire is suffering – in fact, the source of all suffering. But desire itself is simply power, neither good nor bad.
Without the tremendous power of desire, there can be no progress on the spiritual path; there can be no progress anywhere. The whole secret of spiritual transformation is turning selfish desire into selfless desire, transforming personal passions into the overwhelming desire to attain life’s highest goal. This is not repression; it is transformation.
I would say, that it is best if your desire is to give. And the real trick here is to give selflessly. I read recently about true giving, which is the process of learning about what is needed, and trying to give that. So often, we give someone what we want to give. We give what we would want to have. True giving is more interesting. I think it is tricky for people in our culture because we tend to live our lives in peer groups. If everyone is mostly like us, where’s the mystery as to what we need to give? But ask a parent, and they can tell you its pretty obvious that your personal needs differ from those you love the most. You give children what they need to grow.
As we practice true giving, then we don’t have to be as concerned with our own selfish desires. We have friends, family, lovers, who want to know us enough to provide what is needed when it is needed.
And when we lack for these people, we start with ourselves.
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