Friday night I went out to a couple bars with Hoffman and company. I bought one drink at the outrageous price of $5, and wasn't even rewarded with a buzz. I had fun playing darts with Gregg, Julie, Jack and Jennifer.
Saturday morning I was up at 0630h and went to play paintball with Rachel, Moshen, Ed and Ethan, as well as a lot of other folks in the Illini Paintball warriors RSO. It was much fun, running about, being pelted by paint pellets. An expensive sport, certainly, paint being the priciest, but I'd happily go again, not-too-frequently. A lot of the folks in the Paintball club were very pro-chief. I held my tongue coz i was really there to have fun shooting people rather than disrupting group comraderie to voice a minority opinion.
I think we all had fun. Upon return to Allen Hall I dropped by the cafeteria to talk to whoever might be present and to show off my paint-spattered clothing. They had chicken dijon, my favorite, and it was cooked awfully well. So I had to have some, chatting with Lorenzo.
Then a shower, shave, spiffing up, and off to formal. I had a moment of excitement when I saw Maureen dressed up for a dance waiting with a group of folks in the main lobby.
You're going to formal!?
I'm going to a formal, but it's the AAA formal.
...
You look nice.
Thanks, so do you.
I then got distracted by her ... mascara, I think it is, a darker shade of tan than her skin, and I kinda confused her by my interest, thinking I was examining a smudge or something. I think she was going with Wilson, who yesterday had dropped by asking where he might borrow some suspenders.
The night before, Jen said she was going to a dance through the law school. One reason to choose said dance over Allen Hall formal was free liquor. She said that since everyone already had a degree, it was pretty much assumed you're over 21. Cool.
I hopped a ride on the bus with everyone though Nick had offered me a ride too. I got pictures of folks and ran into Cornelio at the Holiday Inn where it was being held, although he was there to meet some friends. He had wanted to go though.
I caught a dance with Caite, then Erik of all folks took me for a dance, tossing me through all sorts of twirls and stuff, when Rachel cut in, and things were a lot more relaxed. A good excuse to talk. I answered that yes I had very much enjoyed paintball, and she said that she was enjoying herself more this year, given better domestic tranquility.
There were a lot of couples there. Slow dances did not water the overcrowded dance floor out in the least. I didn't feel at all upset over my being single, and instead appreciated the contrasts. I saw Katarina in a very nice blue floral-print dress with her real boyfriend. She looked like she was enjoying herself, and I could tell he does something important for her. It put her cold treatment of me in contrast, and I felt better because I understood better, despite the fact that I still do not really understand much. I was happy for their happiness.
At some point in the night, either before or after reviewing the thoughts
that produced the paragraph above, I was interrogated by an acquaintance as
to whether I actually was dating somebody. Well,
I
responded, I was seeing someone for a little last semester, but she was
in love with another man.
A story out of a commercial romance, I
suspect. I felt reassured saying as much. Among all other things I learned
through the experience, that relationship with Kat was like something of a
digression from the comfortable state of affairs for her. To think of it in
that light seems interesting.
The peer group intended to go to Perkins afterwards. To make up for a vehicular shortage I rode down to F-23 with Moshen and Rachel to drive over to the Perkins on University - the one that closes at 0100h. We then headed over to the other Perkins, near the mall. Nobody else had showed up there, so I suggested that Jacob and Ray might call their room back at Allen, to see if Tim was there and everyone had reconnoitered there.
I don't have a quarter.
Well ... here's a nickel - take up a collection.
The suggestion fell on deaf ears. A little later I suggested again that
it might be a good idea. Why don't you do it?
I couldn't
think of much to say, but I later explained it to myself;
I had bothered to get the car to drive over, why should I do all the busy work? I didn't live with Tim, I didn't have his number at the tip of my mind. I didn't even have cash on me - not even to think of getting telephone change! Were it up to me, I wouldn't have bothered with Perkins in the first place, I wasn't hungry. I was in it for the social experience.
Well, anyway, I was grumpy and felt not so keen on the company I had with me, and hung out over in the smoking session for awhile with Agnes, her boyfriend, and tiny and Misty. Let my nerves smooth. For the rest of the evening though - or early morning really, I was rather bitchy and tired. As we were leaving I saw folks from the AAA formal, asked them how it had been, and thoughts drifted back to Maureen some - on one hand I am curious if there's anything going on with Wilson. He's a good guy, so any jealousy would be squished by good will for the venture - like Moshen and Rachel. On the other hand, I asked myself again why I might or might not be pursuing anything. Half of me just wants me to leave well enough alone with all this crap, and some of the rest says it's still a good idea to pursue, or at least try, for experience - and Maureen is really desirable, what little tiny I do know about her!
Bah. The internal politics of a confused person who is doing better than not and would sooner act conservatively. Where is the impetus for revolution? Is change not constant even in this relatively satisfied state anyway?
Dancing with Caite, I mentioned that I was getting kind of stir-crazy to get out of this place. The summer will, I hope, do me a lot of good. As far as women goes, there will be a lot fewer of them saturating the environment, and I might act close to whatever is considered normal in that regard. I got my self-confidence, I got an idea of what I like, and all that, I just have the question of motivation and not wanting to interrupt the lives of satisfied others. And that's the thing with Maureen - I'm okay myself, but she is also pretty busy and looks awfully satisfied with things. I don't wanna mess things up for anybody, neh?
Prolly just shell-shocked from the past few relationships. Prolly just paying too much heed to the American ideal of heterosexual relationships. Which is what? I don't know! What do I want out of the equation? I don't really know that either.
I was commiserating with Rachel this evening after X-Files. She had had a rather upsetting incident later last night, while I was feeling bitchy about Perkins. Babbling on I made mention of the fact that once you hit twenty-two, if you're a male you've passed your sexual prime, and you start looking at women more as people than as sexual people. Rachel approved of this, but I was thinking how that just makes a guy like me more complacent. Nothing wrong with that, to be sure, but maybe I gotta bust a move just for the sake of living, and things like that. Keep one's mind occupied with lots of different things, coz I need that, maybe .. reduce geekiness, eh? But then, there are many who would argue that being aware of that, it is a cynical thing to get involved in a relationship - and irresponsible. Being the cynic that I am, I might disagree, very strongly. Damned romantic ideals - but then I also tend toward idealism.
The race conditions that destroy a guy who thinks to much.
Sun Mar 8 23:34:55 CST 1998
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