She still pines for you.Linda hypothesized.
Wed Feb 4 01:31:27 CST 1998
She still pines for you.
Linda hypothesized.
Yeah, it would be fair, I pine for her to from time to time.
It's not something I'd actually considered before, and the idea was somewhat comforting. Egalitarian. It made sense.
So I sent Linda Ho an email and asked her to send that letter she said she'd written. I think I'd pined for her a little bit in my original letter. I'm curious how her life operates. Not that my ego cares or anything.
Saturday was a day of pleasant weather. I took a walk, buying AAA batteries for the Pilot. I selected an Energizer pack that consisted mainly of what little cardboard they needed to surround the batteries. In think it was cheaper too, in addition to being environmentally conscientious.
I stopped by the Undergrad and diverged into writing a message to Asao. I haven't sent it, and will probably try to work on and revise it through February. A message of peace and self-exploration.
I still don't know what to do about Nancy. But I take things one at a time. Fix troubles with Asao, who I know more about, and then try to get to the more confusing hatreds. Not that I care if someone hates me, but when I care about someone, it hurts them too.
Like Kat ignoring me. I was feeling particularly aggressive or whatever by Saturday afternoon and figured I might as well confront her too. I don't think she hates me, and may be avoiding me for some personal trouble of her own. I worry ... I left a message at the machine. Just, on the odd chance maybe she needs someone to talk to, I filled that role damn well once before. And, there's nothing to be lost in trying, it would seem.
Asao used to criticize me for being involved with my past. My past feelings. Too bad. I love Linda, I love Jeong, I love Nancy and I love Asao. Those are feelings, not something I act upon necesarily. If you have a feeling that upsets you, better to understand the mechanics there. If you have a feeling that makes you feel good, then all the better, unless you're neglecting your current feelings or something.
I think past emotions bolster current ones. Current emotions and the like are all in a better context, more understandable, less threatening.
I'm pretty sure that Asao had either fewer emotions for context, in our affirs, or she had chosen to forget the past to emphasize the present. To me, that just seems so unbalanced. I think this ideology is one she will pass with time.
I think similar problems are involved where Nancy is concerned, and on Kat's part, to some extent, though she seems to do her best to take things dispassionately. A quality of hers I found intriguing was her steady calm and analytical nature.
Kat's the first inscrutable Asian I've ever known.
Me? I remember Jeong finding the courage to look into my eyes and proclaim
You're hard to read.
I had never thought of being read before. I'm not a book.
You're like a robot.
Mom used to accuse me. She seemed to take it
almost personally when she saw me shed no tears over Linda.
Well, for the sake of literacy, here is my journal.
I shall endeavour to get to sleep now, nearly 0200h.
28 January
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