I know it's been a long while since I wrote here. Apologies to those who wait with the phosphorescence of their monitors burning radiation on their cheeks. It's been a remarkable few weeks!
Biggest news I'd have to say is breaking up with Asao. Second biggest news, getting a license. Third biggest news: new eyeglasses.
So let's start at the top. Dunno if I'll catch up to speed tonight.
First off, MikeyA wrote about the last journal entry, criticizing the idea that I might not commit to something without understanding it first. For the record, I have no trouble going after something I don't quite understand. The thing to realize is that it is a long while before I can truly feel comfortable, as if something were second-nature. Until that point, well I'm not going to be perfect. I guess this is all really sort of obvious.
You see, on Saturday, I attended Chris Sims' wedding, which was held outside Foellinger on the Quad - very cool. Well you know the thoughts rattle through my head, among them is the old idea that two folks get married when they're near the point that they can anticipate each other, that they can leave things unsaid and understand. That's not something I ever approached having with Asao, and that's the sort of thing that separates, perhaps, love from marriage. The minister went on something about how one can not have marriage without love. Of course, love is a far cry from marriage.
What this means? Eh, well people who can't read each other's minds yet gotta communicate, dammit!
And that's what broke down with Asao.
I'll get to that.
Anyways I was home last week. Hell, now it's not last week but really the week before last. See, I been in Champaign for a week. Okay.
So, first of all, they moved the Greyhound station. It used to be in Urbana, now it's in Champaign. Good thing I left early and asked the bus driver on the first bus I got on or else things might have been nasty. Anyways one reason to return home was to get a driver's license, and when I arrived at the bus station I realized I'd left my glasses in the apartment and couldn't get back to get them in time. Okay, so later in the week I got a new pair, a very nice new pair, at the LensCrafters in Lincolnwood Mall. Good.
So, practiced driving around with Uncle. Made it down to MicroCenter to buy a new keyboard. Another NMB keyboard for $19.95! Damn fine keyboard - highly recommended. I'm whacking my fingers upon it right now!
On Thursday I took the Driver's Test and passed. Yeehaw!
Anyways later that evening I'm exchanging messages with Asao about the latest round of harassing email from Oakland. Somebody's learned to forge headers to sneak past the filter I put up for Asao so I say as soon as I get back to town we gotta get together so I can revise things. I'd like to do it right then as she had an exam Thursday. (So, this must have been Wednesday this all took place.)
So I think, no ... don't want her password ... just not so comfortable with the idea. I think briefly of .rhosts and mention that as a possibility, but one I'd want to exercise only if she really wanted the filter right then and there.
That's when things exploded. Slowly though. Next I knew she's accusing me, but not accusing me, rather interrogating me and trying to get me to admit to something, though she'll never say quite what she's getting at. Nearest I can tell she wanted me to admit to some sneak underhanded conspiracy to undermine her account.
That's when I ended it. I wrote her a message saying that I was sick and tired of her going wacko on me every other month, and accusing me of all sorts of horrendous things on a regular basis which she'd later retract. "No more" I tell her, it's over.
She replies with 4 rather nasty messages criticizing me for among other things, having the poor taste to dump her the night before an exam. Of course I took that in to consideration too. It seems she tends to get nasty on me right before something stressful for her anyways, looking back on things.
But my position is ... well I understand that lovers will have concerns and worries, questions and doubts, but inventing implausible, sneaky underhanded doings and calling someone you are so intimately involved with such things ... hell, I'm a glutton for punishment, but I shouldn't have to take the sort of abuse I took from my girlfriend. Even those who hate me, with the exception of Jason Lindquist - would never treat me such ways. If she can't talk to me, voice her concerns in a mature manner, well whether that's a fault in her or myself we really have no business in such a relationship.
And all along there's the sort of nagging though, right as I feel that I am in my judgment logic and decisions, that I might have been able to do better. I've never had a girlfriend I rejected because I thought they had a problem that was lethal to the relationship and that I could not solve, so you know, I like to fix things, but it seems like a no-win case. I don't see what more I can and should do, it's all over now.
Wow. EnterAct's Lakeview T1 just went down for a few minutes, but it got fixed pretty quick. I lost this terminal window but as soon as things were back up I got an email from vi stating that it had recovered my work. Sweet!
Well, anyway when I got back to town things were a might lonely. I've been making new friends though. I ran in to Sarah, from Asako's party, exchanged email addresses. I've been hanging out on the Quad, running in to folks I know. This weekend Andrew, Ed and Ray were in town and we had a BBQ at Rachel's where I met new folks, Charlie, Kajorn and the lovely Nelyn. These folks I was out playing volleyball with last night.
It seems weird though, not having Asao present. Her concluding email expressed some intent to never hear of me again. That is painful. Ideally I would have hoped for her to realize the poison in the relationship, or that she might at least understand my point of view, for having done what I did, but then we're all different, and I think it would be a very difficult spot to be in her shoes.
Well, hopefully I'll continue adding thoughts and lighter stuff up here tomorrow.
H O M E
1 June << 1997 >> 11 July