Joy at electing a remarkable man to the White House. But a gut-punch to those of us who feel deeply about equal rights.

Just now I received a link to Keith Olbermann, and NBC commentator, who does an excellent job of expressing my dismay over Proposition 8:

The gist: marriage is about Love. At the time Barack Obama was born his parents’ marriage was illegal in 1/3 of the United States, and in the days of slavery, marriage between black people was illegal. There is no advantage to be had in opposing gay marriage, and in this culture where we feel uncomfortable about the impermanence of relationships, and the high rate of divorce, if two people can find love, we ought to allow them to enjoy it the same as anyone else.

While there are lawsuits out to restore same-sex marriage through the courts, my personal hope is that we can put it on the ballot again, and that next time it comes before the people of California, the people will have grown in their own hearts to accept that allowing lovers to marry is what we ought to do. We gained ten points since the last ballot proposition, and Prop 8 would likely have failed were it not for balls-out misinformation fear campaign by the Mormon Church and other cultural conservatives, who viewed popular support for same-sex marriage in California as the first step in a trend that would ultimately lead to acceptance of same-sex marriage throughout the United States.

We have work ahead to ensure the rights of a minority that has been tormented for too long.

You’ve been meeting folk but there are those who you’d rather avoid, and you delete them from your phone. Later, they call and you answer because the number looks familiar: maybe it is a family or coworker! Awkwardness ensues.

Solution? Keep the number, but change the name to “Do Not Answer” — especially if you may have a tendency to get drunk / lonely.

I do not actually use this strategy, but I read it a couple years ago and its re-telling was recently well-received, so I thought I’d share.

/d

Me? I recently changed my voicemail to explain that I tend to avoid my mobile phone altogether and that e-mail works far better. I really dislike talking on the damn thing. It makes my brain warm and leaves me feeling anxious. Yeah, I’m weird.

“So you don’t approve of getting even — of taking revenge for something that was done to you?”

“Revenge does not alter what was done to you. Neither does forgiveness. Revenge and forgiveness are irrelevant.”

“What can you do?”

“Forget,” said Borges. “That is all you can do. When something bad is done to me, I pretend that it happened a long time ago, to someone else.”

“Does that work?”

“More or less.” He showed his yellow teeth. “Less rather than more.”

Talking about the futility of revenge, he reached and his hands trembled with a new subject, but a related one, the Second World War.

“When I was in Germany just after the war,” he said, “I never heard a word spoken against Hitler. In Berlin, the Germans said to me” — now he spoke in German — “‘Well, what do you think of our ruins?’ The Germans like to be pitied — isn’t that horrible? They showed me their ruins. They wanted me to pity them. But why should I indulge them? I said” — he uttered the sentence in German — “‘I have seen London.’”

Jorge Luis Borges speaking with Paul Theroux
_The Old Patagonian Express_

Revenge has its appeal, but I don’t think it helps. We use the expression “forgive and forget” but the concern is that certain things should not be forgotten. I figure it is better to forget than to have difficulty stuck in your heart. I think I’d say “forgive, if you can, draw a lesson from the memory, and then move on.”

Try to remember the circumstances and what happened, and that you felt a certain pain and whatnot, perhaps with great intensity. The pain itself, the “pain memory” I would leave behind, if you can. We are fools to forget, but we are foolish too to react in the present to pain from the past.

• Extreme jealousy
• Controlling behavior
• Quick involvement
• Unpredictable mood swings
• Alcohol and drug use
• Explosive anger
• Isolates you from friends and family
• Uses force during an argument
• Shows emotional hypersensitivity
• Believes in rigid sex roles
• Blames others for his/her problems or feelings
• Cruel to animals or children
• Verbally abusive
• Abused former partners
• Threatens violence

There’s plenty of material online, and the CDC has a teen-oriented web-site called ChooseRespect.org.

An abusive relationship can creep up you. Victims tend to accept abusive relationships out of a combination of low self-esteem and a degree of ignorance about the dynamics of abuse. The Getting Past Your Past blog has a great article explaining “The Abusive and Semi-Abusive Relationship” . . . she twice features this warning in bold type:

The most lethal time for an abused person is when they are trying to leave the abuser. Have a plan and get back up! The news is full of (seemingly) nice people whose partner was trying to leave and ended up dead. When in a domestically abusive situation, use universal precautions and assume anyone has the propensity for violence.

As far as I can find anywhere, the best and seemingly sole advice regarding how to handle domestic violence is to leave. To this end, there is a National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

If you are preparing to resolve an abusive situation, the American Bar Association offers a Domestic Violence Safety Plan. It is a bit scary to read, but better to consider such things before you actually live them!

“Fidel Castro hats were made to be worn by Fidel Castro. Not hipster losers trying to look ironic.”

This page is chock full of hilariously good advice. Especially the lipstick. And yes, I don’t know dick, either–I wear black socks with shorts–but I can tell you Crocs are Wrong.

He isn’t talking about cancer or dying. He is talking about his life and his advice on how to live life well. I have no commentary; I enjoyed this special moment a great deal and I believe that it is worth sharing.

Update: Randy Pausch’s Home Page has more links, including Google Video. :)

• $50 gift card for Williams-Sonoma at the Elks Lodge Blood Drive
• My new job, after a tip from a One Brick volunteer coordinator
• This past weekend, a hand-me-down laptop that I can soon re-gift

Or, as Saint Francis put it: “it is in giving that we receive.”

If you are looking for fulfilling ways to spend your free time, I heartily recommend One Brick, which is very simply an organization that organizes volunteer opportunities: just sign up for their e-mail list and every week you’ll be informed of cool opportunities to get out, do some good, and make friends.

I am looking forward to working the Elks Club Card Night next month, so much that I posted the event to Yelp to see about getting more folks over there.

This evening I was listening to a podcast on “disqualification” which is a skill you can master if you’re playing “the game” . . . no, I’m not a big player, but I like to listen to new ideas. Anyway, the point of disqualification is to take the nice things that people may say about you, and indicate that you don’t let that stuff go to your head, for one. The other bit is that if you are comfortable with your flaws-comfortable with yourself-well that self-confidence can be really sexy. And then, if you’re talking to a lady and you’re in a position where you’re counting yourself off her list, that . . . well, we all like what we can’t have, and we get that you’re not desperate for approval. Anyway, I really enjoy Dan’s blog because he shares a bunch of “charisma tips” but is also warning guys that the point is not to be the biggest player on the block, but to meet women and have fantastic, sincere relationships with them. I have a friend who seemed to fall in to that player trip, and I’ve kinda faked it myself: whatever you are doing, know why you are doing it.

So, clearly I’m rambling. Always the best time to rewrite a personals ad from scratch, “he said sarcastically.” Here’s what I just posted on Yahoo!:

What’s this all about?

Moi? I grew up in Chicago, attending public schools. I volunteered to serve in the Army but my skinny arms can’t do enough pushups and I tend to daydream which really f_cked with the Drill Sergeant. So, I went to school instead–University of Illinois. I managed to graduate with a degree in Rhetoric and drive out here to California in a blue 1972 Super Beetle to take part in the dot-com boom.

I also did my part in the bust, waiting tables, backpacking around the world, housesitting, driving back to Illinois, working as a barista . . . that is how I met the lady who became my first wife. I was fed up with the “gay marriage will destroy America” crap that I figured marriage-who-needs-it, so when she suggested we could score her a Green Card, I was right there.

But, she grew on me, and I wore on her. Eventually she ran off with a security guard and I moved to San Francisco to focus first on my pain and woe, but then I figured out that I’m really a pretty decent guy, and I have been focusing more on career, family, hobbies . . .

I don’t watch TV. Movies, yes. Netflix . . . I spend a lot of time on the computer but I do get out to exercise (walking on the hills) and socialize, and just tending house: keeping tidy and coaxing my flowers and my moss plant to be all that they can be.

I have a thing for Asian women. That doesn’t mean you have to be Asian, but if you hate those guys don’t gaze at me unless you want to grapple with your misgivings. Really, I’m a sucker for longer, straighter, darker hair, a sparkle in the eye, and some interesting stories.

I want to meet people, get to know them, hopefully develop a mutual desire, and work from there to build a life relationship that gets us into parenthood together. If that’s your deal, let’s talk.

Thank you for reading!

-d

We’re having a lot of fun with “disqualification” this evening, but then we all love David Sedaris. It’s all about running naked.

I headed out to the Tennessee Grill for brunch, it getting on towards 11:30. The Catholic church a few blocks downhill was ringing their bells: the call to mass. I detoured towards the Church . . . followed a lady in. Mass had just begun, and I followed other late arrivals into an adjoining little altar area.

They had votive candles burning, which had been what I had in mind. I lit one in Tunji’s memory and sat through mass. I enjoyed the community spirit, some of the songs. The liturgy was pretty light–the priest explained that temperance was avoiding excess. During one song I was overtaken by the beauty and the spirit and I cried quietly for my friend: the lives he had touched, the lives he would have touched had not fate taken him young. I lit a second candle for the lives Tunji touched: his family, us, his friends, and the people he would have served had he become a doctor.

A lady sat in front of me with two young sons. One she held in her arms and the older son, maybe four years old, played with her hair, casually trying to braid one side. I like the harmony: she was there for her purposes and he managed to entertain himself in a manner that hopefully felt pleasant to her.

The priest explained that Jesus had passed the bread around, take it. This is my body. By taking the bread you will spread the word. I figured out that people were getting up for Eucharist, and followed. I savored a Jesus Wafer to take communion for Tunji.

I walked down to the Grill, and had some French Toast and coffee. I had really wanted sausage. Yum!

Back home, read about bonobos in the New Yorker. Then scrubbed the shower out and bathed again after the dirty work, to head out to a date in the East Bay. I met the lady I have been dating the past three months, and she dumped me. I could see it coming and we settled things amicably. She paid for dinner. Classy lady, and too bad . . . I walked away feeling alright for having made a good effort and for having participated in some good times these past three months, and thought about how to work my next approach to dating.

Back home, I’m listening to the Avett Brothers. Surprisingly good bluegrass. They are singing now:

And I love you but I can’t remember why
And I’d love to find a reason to deny
I was a one hit wonder in my own home town

And I guess I might have made a few mistakes
But maybe that’s exactly what it takes
To get a little happy in this big sad world

How many have you made?
And which of those have you laid on down to die?

Well didn’t I say I need you?
I try to move on but I can’t
I try to think of bad times
Good memories are all I have

Not the most apropos excerpt for the moment, but a good tune anyway.

And so it goes. To bed soon, and up around 7am tomorrow to head off to the new job. The new company is about the last place I would ever have thought to look for work, but with an open mind and no agenda I went to interview, and I got on well with the team, and they got on well with me. I have good feelings, and I must make a sincere effort. :)

“What is to give light must endure burning.”

–Viktor Frankl
From “The Sun” March, 2007

I read this quote shortly after a significant personal setback. I believe the author is alluding to the Holocaust, which puts things in perspective. For me, the take-away is that if you want to shine, you must be ready to be burned.

I had rushed in to marriage, and consequently took a conservative approach to feeling my own love and expressing it. I figured we should take things slow. I got burnt anyway. Nowadays . . . I’ll give patience its due, but I must shoot for giving light. Keep the senses keen for that flame within, and if it seems right, throw gas on the fire . . .

. . . and be prepared to endure burning.

Work

The joy of understanding problems and developing the most gratifying solutions.

The joy of learning new technologies with which to solve problems.

The satisfaction of getting things done, and being a reliable and respected resource for my coworkers.

The rewarding nature of setting expectations and goals and meeting or exceeding them.

Life

The satisfaction of walking on the Earth at different time, places, and seasons throughout my life, understanding what is consistent in myself and the world and that what is variable and “in play”.

Making connections with people, from fleeting moments of acknowledging eye-contact, to soul-sharing relationships that stretch across years and decades.

To be sufficiently self-aware about my relationship with the greater world so that I don’t take more than I need to achieve happiness.

To experience with honest fidelity the joy and the pain, the happiness and the sorrow, and all the rest of feelings and experiences that are inevitably felt in life.

Love

To practice being open and vulnerable and accepting, to allow for the possibility of love and growth in the relationships in which I engage.

To be present and attentive, to listen with good heart and a sharp mind when people speak to me.

To notice and confront dishonesty.

When “in love” to explore my partner to learn what makes them feel loved, and practice “true giving” towards them.

To always be completely honest.

“By all means marry: if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

–Socrates

Socrates is a mortal. And so am I.

“Wasn’t marriage, like life itself, unstimulating and unprofitable and somewhat empty when too well-ordered and protected and guarded. Wasn’t it finer, more splendid, more nourishing when it was, like life itself, a mixture of the sordid and the magnificent; of mud and stars; of earth and flowers; of love and hate and laughter and tears and ugliness and beauty and hurt.

–Edna Ferber

It was.

Yes, the title says “Two Perspectives” but we wouldn’t want this content to be too well-ordered, yeah? Here’s an assertion that I know many would take exception to. But it is a sentiment that I believe is useful:

“Marriage is not a love affair. A love affair has to do with immediate personal satisfaction. Marriage is an ordeal; it means yielding, time and again. That’s why it’s a sacrament: you give up your personal simplicity to participate. And you are not giving to the other person; you are giving to the relationship. Because you are not giving to the other person it is not impoverishing — it is life-building, life-fostering, enriching.”

–Joseph Campbell

Looking at it now, I’d say Joe’s quote pairs well with Edna: it is most rewarding when you cut loose and give without reservation. When you give not because you judge the other as deserving, but because it is right and therefor rewarding. Ah, and since I’m quoting people, I’ll have to toss at you a quote on my whiteboard that was transcribed from the radio:

“The is no end. No beginning. There is only the passion of life.”

–Federico Fellini

Male baboons may be the biggest voyeurs of the animal kingdom–they love to listen in on other baboons copulating. Researchers at a game reserve in Botswana found that low-status single males in a community of baboons often skulk around the love nests of higher-ranked males and their female consorts. While a female is in heat, she will often pair off with a high-status male and engage in sex multiple times during the day. The female’s love cries–long, song-like calls–draw a crowd of male baboons. If the couple fights, or if the male leaves her for even a minute, the other baboons will step in for a chance at a hookup. Researchers tested their theory by playing female sex calls over a loudspeaker. Male baboons from miles away literally dropped what they were doing to home in on the noise. “For male baboons, copulation calls are the most interesting vocalizations,” study author Catharine Crockford tells Discovery News. “From the calls, they hear about who is doing what with whom.”

Man, where to start?

• This piece is beautifully written.
• “While a female is in heat, she will often pair off with a high-status male and engage in sex multiple times during the day.” (My idea of a good Saturday.)
• And, “the female’s love cries–long, song-like calls” . . . amen!
• I have found that a noisy sex partner can be very gratifying . . . unless you have company over.
• Even so, roommates and neighbors may be fascinated and gratified by your aural emanations.
• “Low-status single males . . . often skulk around the love nests of higher-ranked males . . . If the couple fights, or if the male leaves her for even a minute, the other baboons will step in for a chance at a hookup.” Ahem. Yup. I have noticed this within my own species . . .
• . . . it occurs to me that this may explain why high-status males might feel especially threatened around upstarts.
• If baboons truly are the biggest voyeurs in the animal kingdom, then multimedia technology, electronic commerce, and overall economic prosperity could be boosted if we got them Internet access and some disposable income.
• “For [males], copulation calls are the most interesting vocalizations.” Yeah, dudes are reputed to be poor listeners at other times.
• “From the [long, song-like calls], they hear about who is doing what with whom.” . . . and this is why opera can be enjoyed in a foreign language.

Alas, it is a lot like falling in Love: passion begets a broken heart. It took years to overcome my first heartbreak and years to heal from the pain of disillusionment the first time I was laid off. Sometimes, to avoid pain, we limit our ambitions in work and love, and we refrain from committing ourselves to opportunities to create something wonderful. But that only leads to more profoundly tragic disappointments.

I think that if you have the good fortune to find yourself passionate about something, then perhaps what you need to do is to cultivate initiative; Passion is the why and initiative is the what. When you fail in the pursuit of your passion, initiative can sustain you: when you lack the why, at least you still have the what. With a faith in your initiative and a mind open to new opportunities, you should sooner find the next thing that captures your passion, and you can fall in love anew, backed by the strengths gained from previous endeavors.