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2010: My Year in Retweets

Heck, let us jump upon the social media bandwagon. If you don’t “get” Twitter then I’d say that Twitter is pretty much what you make of it. And for me, that’s a distraction where I can pop in and see if anyone I follow has come up with anything entertaining to say, and I can share a thoughtlet of what is on my mind, and then as quick as it came, Twitter is gone and I’m back to the rest of my day.

The following are entertaining bits I have seen fit to “re-tweet” and share with others during 2010, and now I’ll share them with you.

January

An earthquake in Haiti.

Jason Govig

Google announces a phone, my lunch conversation is fucked.

Keith T. Garner

My love for Friday is like a truck BEZERKER

Fake AP Stylebook

The word “diarrhea” is hard to spell. Try: transporter problems, Jackson Brown, #3, blowing the devil’s trombone.

Fart Sandwich

I bet when babies watch Girls Gone Wild, all they see are lots and lots of meals.

Kim Scarborough

I don’t want no commies in my car. No Christians either.

erickolb

Give as generously as you can to Doctors Without Borders Response and help save lives.

Barack Obama

Pres. Preval of , by phone, to you: “From the bottom of my heart & on behalf of the Haitian people, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

rands

The longer you leave that first draft of that important, complex, or controversial email on your screen, the better.

The South Butt

Tomorrow we’re doing a for (3) of our new backpacks for all going back to school this week. To enter, RT or mention @

Fart Sandwich

Remember when that shoe with the pump on it used to be cool? …Yeah, me neither.

RobKohr / Rob Kohr

Chopsticks are a suprisingly easy way to eat buttered popcorn without getting your fingers greasy.

Fake AP Stylebook

hostel/hostile – The hostel manager became hostile when he caught me screwing his son.

Neil Gaiman

For the curious: swear into a Google phone & it transcribes it as ####. But if you swear and then say “dot com” it will write what you said.

Kim Scarborough

Did you know there’s a whole Yahoo group dedicated to Charlie Chaplin fanfic?

Fake AP Stylebook

Don’t use two words when you can use one, unless those two words are “chainsaw duel” because that’s awesome, dude.

Fake AP Stylebook

“Playing” for engaging in sports (e.g., playing baseball); “sporting” for having an erection (e.g., sporting wood).

Kim Scarborough

I wonder if somewhere there is a group of enthusiastic Avery junkies, who get all excited when a new envelope is announced.

Mike Magin

I’m hoping that we see widespread DRM-free e-books before the paper book dies out.

February

A blizzard in Brooklyn. We also watched on the news as a 3′ tsunami hit Hawaii after Chile’s earthquake.

Adm. Mike Mullen

Stand by what I said: Allowing homosexuals to serve openly is the right thing to do. Comes down to integrity.

Fart Sandwich

I bet Greek people don’t make good arsonists because every time they torch up a place, they shout, “OPA!”

RJ B.

sasha points out that .plan is the twitter of the late 70s

Fake AP Stylebook

It’s better to plagiarize from Encarta than from Wikipedia, because people actually read Wikipedia.

ModCloth

Little kids reenact Jersey Shore. Have you seen this yet? It’s hilarious, even if you don’t watch the show! HR

Faithy

I like deal breakers: “If he can’t figure out the public transportation system, well … I don’t want you dating him.”

jenny bento

Chicagoans! The weather outside is beautiful right now! Get out here!

Fake AP Stylebook

In stories about celebrity infidelity, feign surprise.

OkCupid

“Americans are more into oral sex later in life, but Iowa City & Birmingham are definitely ahead of the curve.”

March

We provided foster care for four adorable kittens.

The Democrats passed health care reform, and there was much rejoicing, or something. Since everyone hates it I guess it is a successful compromise.

Joe Latone

The retweet is gaining power, like Birdman flying into the sun.

rands

When you say “Let’s roll up our sleeves”, I hear “I don’t want to get my sleeves dirty”.

The Onion

BREAKING: Sen. Jim Bunning Going Mailbox-to-Mailbox Removing Unemployment Checks

Guy Clark

Amusingly enough, I really hate adverbs.

rands

Things I learned from writing: Never ever ever never ever try to write/edit an article, chapter, whatever if it’s not speaking to you.

Nathan Rabin

Holy shit, MY YEAR OF FLOPS has a release date: October 19th!

juliekang

Comrades! The revolutions begins tomorrow at dawn! Prepare the re-education camps! (via @)

Rob DenBleyker

I enjoy the look of confusion on cashiers’ faces when I say “keep the change” after paying with credit card

For Animals

The 4 kittens rescued last week are doing well in a foster home, but they can only care for them until Friday….

kenyatta cheese

thinking of going around town painting the inside of deep potholes a bright yellow in order as a warning to other cyclists.

Evan

Accidental retweet.

April

I took Mei to Europe. We visited London, Paris, Lyon, Rome, and Venice. Then the volcano erupted in Iceland, so we visited Florence, and camped out at Lido, near Rome’s airport.

We also made it out to visited Dad and Gwen in Colorado, and Mom and Grandma visited us in Brooklyn.

Poland lost much of its executive branch in a plane crash, and BP began spilling oil into the gulf of Mexico.

May

Mei learned to ride a bicycle. I got to tour the New York’s abandoned “City Hall” subway station. We began fostering two older “rescue” kittens, Maxwell and Maggie, in an attempt to “socialize” them to living with people. Mei’s folks visited to attend her graduation from residency, and a week later I took her to Coney Island.

On May 19, a young man, Ronald Glover, was murdered around the corner from our apartment. BP continued spilling oil in to the Gulf of Mexico.

Doug MacMillan

Peter Rojas, Matt Cutts, and Paul Kedrosky deactivated their Facebook accounts. Any other recent high-profile Facebook fleers?

Fake AP Stylebook

In New England, a “clowder” refers to milk-based felines. In Manhattan, it refers to tomato-based cats.

NY Transit Museum

Any weekend plans? Reservations available for this Saturday’s Old City Hall Station Tour. Valid membership required. Call (718) 694-1867.

Sarrah Palin

I’m so heartbroken about this spill in the gulf situation. All those animals. They’re polluting our oil.

PostSecret

“Write drunk; edit sober.” -Hemingway

Onion Jobs

Hiring a Front End Developer @ in Chicago.

PATH

Per Service between HOB & WTC is suspended in both directions, due to police activity.

Promoted Tweet

GOOGLE WAVE: NOW THE GENERAL PUBLIC IS FREE TO NOT USE WHAT TECH INSIDERS HAVEN’T BEEN USING FOR MONTHS

Sockamillion

STRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH oh come now this belly doesn’t rub itself DO I HAVE TO DROP ALL THE HINTS AROUND HERE

Slate

Daley to reporter “If I put this [gun] up your butt, you’ll find out how effective [Chicago anticrime initiative] is”

benjyfeen

Today’s Google doodle: hit Insert Coin twice for 2-player. Other player’s control keys: a,w,s,d.

Amanda C. Peterson

Surprising quote: “You don’t have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.” — Barry Goldwater

Kevin Pereira

ABC 7 breaking news tonight: reactions to the Lost finale. MY reaction? THERE’S OIL SPEWING INTO THE OCEAN, YOU ASSHOLES!

Keith T. Garner

Things I love about my job: I will probably never lose 7 teeth while performing work duties

92YTribeca

One of our coworkers got her first French kiss from an actual French man – POINTS FOR AUTHENTICITY!

Neil Gaiman

Vaguely disappointed to learn that BP’s “top kill procedure” will leave its entire executive strata alive.

The Onion

Entire Facebook Staff Laughs As Man Tightens Privacy Settings

June

One weekend after brunching at Two Boots in Park Slope, Mei and I were walking through Prospect Park. I asked her to stop, got down on a knee and asked if she would marry me. With tears in her eyes, she accepted my proposal, and we kissed.

BP continued spilling oil in to the Gulf of Mexico, while we watched world football games on television.

Stephen Colbert

two wrongs don’t make a right. but i’m determined to find out how many wrongs do

Fart Sandwich

My doctor made me stop drinking for health reasons. I guess antifreeze is THAT bad for you, but gosh, do I miss that sweet, sweet, taste.

Keith T. Garner

BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS (_(_) BUTTS(_)_)

Stephen Colbert

george w. bush has a facebook page. i bet he’s clearing a lot of brush in farmville

Eugene

Looking for QA and IT candidates for Palantir in Palo Alto. $10,000 to you if someone you refer by 6/30 is hired.

Fart Sandwich

You know hipsters and yuppies have overrun your neighborhood when you long for the time gunfire put you to sleep.

jenny bento

Nothing makes me want to get a backalley sterilization like brunch with uncontrolled children.

jenny bento

these new iphone features are enough to make me ignore all those factory workers killing themselves.

Sarrah Palin

Way to go Chicago Redskins on winning Stanley’s Cup!

New York City 311

Donate Blood. Find out where and when:

Fart Sandwich

“Old farts never die…they just fade away.” -General MacFarthur.

BP Public Relations

England vs. USA recap: “Football”: England 1 – USA 1 : “Crapping in the other’s Gulf”: England 54 – USA 0 ^Tony

Jesus Christ

Went through three cases of water. Pretty wasted right now.

Paul and Storm

[S] Google Wave is finally out of of Beta! Now EVERYONE can not understand what you’re supposed to do with it.

Matthew Inman

All these pedantic assclowns are tweeting at me that the proper pluralization of LEGO is LEGO bricks. Fuck that. Multiple LEGO = LEGOs

Dorian Taylor

Whenever I imagine software people focusing on usability I think about a bunch of chefs sitting around discussing edibility.

Stephen Colbert

in honor of oil-soaked birds, ‘tweets’ are now ‘gurgles.

Google Voice

Goodbye invites, hello open sign-ups:

oldfunnyjoker

This World Cup is working out like WW2 – France have forfeited, the USA turned up late, and England are left to fight the Germans!

Stephen Colbert

how long before someone destroys pandora.com for its unobtanium.com

MegE

I heard the CEO of AT&T got married recently. The service was great but the reception was terrible.

Dan Coulter

Steve Jobs says that every phone drops reception when you hold it. Funny, my Nexus One doesn’t.

Patrick Whang

I am now a proud/delusional stock holder of tesla motors.

Jason Govig

Farmville is such a shitty-ass stupid game (and I can say this without playing it), that I don’t even want to read about why people play it.

Sarrah Palin

Big Announcement today! I have converted to one of those Muslims. What can I say, I like myself a good AK-47.

July

Mei and I trekked to Hoboken, New Jersey, to watch the fireworks.

In Oakland, BART police officer Johannes Mehserle received a light sentence of manslaughter for his shooting death of Oscar Grant. Oakland, to its credit, failed to riot. Mid-way through the month, BP stopped spilling oil in to the Gulf of Mexico.

As Mei was finished with her residency, and I was still employed by a San Jose-based company, we prepared for our move back to Northern California.

Jeffrey Rowland

What’s up with those NO FARMS NO FOOD stickers? HELLO? we NEED farms and food to survive, numb nuts.

Fart Sandwich

I just bought a brand of rum called Mount Gay. That’s usually what I do when I drink too much rum, so it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Max Levchin

“We’ll distribute great local deals to our audience” is the business model meme of the year.

Fake AP Stylebook

Take care not to screw up people’s lives with the advice column. That’s a job for the horoscopes.

Feisty Elle

Our office left staff out early on account of the verdict reading. Hope everyone’s safe and keeping a cool head in Oakland.

SFBART

Minor northbound delays at Hayward due to a medical emergency. Crowding at other stations has eased.

doomsey

hah! “Copying homework is a leading indicator of becoming a business major,” Pritchard says. ( via slashdot)

Bruce Banner

HULK NOT KNOW WHY MYSQL PICK WRONG INDEX. HULK KNOW HOW TO GET RIGHT INDEX. HULK FORCE!

OkCupid

New blog post! We checked data on 1M users and found lies on sex, height, & pic age. Yes, we know you’re shocked.

drewtoothpaste

Any viral marketing plan by Old Spice should have started with not making Old Spice smell like a nursing home.

Dan Linder

I just cat | cc and get it right the first time.

Fake AP Stylebook

Never say anything about a colleague in a private e-mail that you wouldn’t put in print, since it’s going to end up there anyway.

August

ROAD TRIP! We drove all of our belongings in a Penske rent-a-truck from New York City to Mountain View, CA, stopping in Chicago and Pueblo, CO along the way.

So, how does working from home compare with working from the office? Working from home allows greater productivity, because you skip the commute and can just grind away for several hours with few interruptions. It can also get a bit lonely at times. At the office, I’m not as productive as I was at the home office, but I get more opportunities to collaborate with colleagues: sharing skills and refining ideas. I’d say that for technology, a 40-80% telecommute could be ideal, but I haven’t had the chance to experiment, as our first Mountain View apartment was a one-bedroom.

Fart Sandwich

Apparently there’s a new Mad Max movie coming out. It’s going to be titled: “Mel Gibson’s Real Life.”

Fart Sandwich

If Stephen Hawking had a blues album, it’d be called, “Stephen Hawking Speaks the Blues.”

The Onion

Opinion: If I Hadn’t Found Jesus, I’d Feel Pretty Shitty About My Crimes

ju

Just OH: ” How many SEO experts does it take to change a light bulb, lightbulb, light, bulb, lamp, lighting, switch, sex, xxx, hardcore?”

Bram Cohen

At BitTorrent we got our engineering culture back by canning everyone who’d ever said we were a media company.

Google Calendar

To all the south paws out there, happy Left Hander’s Day!

Todd Lappin

WiFi Then Fly: SFO announces that free public Wifi now available throughout the airport, two weeks ahead of schedule. (via press release)

Anil Dash

It’s Friday night… Girl, I’ma tug your Spanx off.

erickolb

Unskippable previews on a retail DVD are still bullshit.

Stas Miasnikou

The main idea of “Inception”: if you run a VM inside a VM inside a VM inside a VM, everything will be very slow

almightygod

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click “I agree.”

drewtoothpaste

Playing Good Cop Bad Cop with my daughter. I slammed my hand down on the table, screaming, “You goddamn well know where Waldo is! Tell us!”

Stephen Colbert

Why does Mexico need gay marriage? We already have a gay Mexico– Spain.

lukkhacoder

@ It’s pains to see that Redfin does not have Walkscore integration while ZipRealty does.

Anil Dash

Wait ’til folks discover the default location for check-ins on Foursquare Places is the ground zero mosque.

Fake AP Stylebook

It is perfectly acceptable to split an infinitive, especially if you haven’t brought enough for everybody.

Anil Dash

Can’t wait until Facebook decides to clone Gmail, but with the default setting being that everyone can read your inbox.

David Friedman

Just got my Web Is Dead issue of Wired. It came several days after I read all about it plus pro and con arguments and analyses. On the web.

Sarrah Palin

It warms my heart to see so many conservatives fighting for the rights of white people to use the N-word. You go girl!

Engadget Mobile

Exclusive: T-Mobile G2 in the wild!

The Onion

In Focus: Midwest Peace Talks Shattered By Illinois Toll-Booth Bombing

Jean Teasdale

719 followers already?!!? Wow, that’s like 300 more ppl than my entire high school was! Color me amazed!

Todd Lappin

Airline Trivia Fun Fact.: Quantas is an acronym for Queensland And Northern Territory Aerial Services Ltd.

Ryan Pequin

ok guys i’m going to bed for the day now. when i wake up i want to have 2000 followers. make it happen, twitter.

Stephen Colbert

By reading this tweet, you have earned a masters in communication from Stephen Colbert “University.” Standard text messaging rates apply.

Fart Sandwich

I like that video game websites have Army ads on them, because recruiting fatasses in mom’s basement is clearly their target demographic.

Fake AP Stylebook

Always remember, an anagram for “newspaper ombudsman” is “mumps worsen a bedpan.”

Camron Assadi

The end of the Mayan calendar reads “Palin-Beck 2012”

September

Sarrah Palin

It really does bothers me when I hear the word “retarded” used as an insult. People who do that are so gay.

The Onion

8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

Rachel Weber

What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Graaaaaains!

Phineas

I assume everyone who thinks Progressivism is destroying America will be reporting for their 12-hour shift at the unregulated mine today.

Jeff Uphoff

Interesting take: “I find it hard to believe that sports facilities are publicly funded when health care is not.” –Dan Gould.

drewtoothpaste

Thanks for the suggestion, Amazon, but I don’t want to use “Drew’s Disappointing Career” as my Pay Phrase.

Rob DenBleyker

There’s a bar mitzvah in my pants and Jew are invited

Robert Reich

The midterms will depend on which is bigger — the “enthusiasm gap” (helping Republicans) or the “extremist gap” (hurting them).

Mike McCue

Finally saw Inception. Loved it. Or at least I dreamed I did.

Ryan Pequin

i hate when i try to find something online so i can steal it and it isn’t there. what good is the internet if i can’t steal everything ever?

Cobra Commander

What’s on my mind? Just killed Facebook. Now the world won’t know what you ate for lunch! COBRA!

Dolly

Facebook users are roaming the streets in tears, shoving photos of themselves in people’s faces and screaming ‘DO YOU LIKE THIS? DO YOU??’

emaland

I bet Mavis Beacon *hates* the iPad

Fart Sandwich

When a delicate situation arises, I like to handle it with kid gloves. The kid gloves I got from Michael Jackson.

rands

When you say “Executive Coach”, I hear “Expensive common sense”.

David McKendrick

There should be an alcoholic beverage named the ‘sabbatical’.

October

We made it to Wisconsin for a wedding of one of Mei’s medical school friends.

Those Chilean miners got rescued from the bowels of the Earth, and there was much rejoicing.

Matthew Inman

If you do this in an email, I hate you

Peter Griffin

I’m pretty tired of these kids running lemonade stands acting like they’ve never even heard of vodka before

erickolb

Using the command line is like having a frank conversation with your OS. The GUI’s a layer of passive-aggressive bullshit keeping you apart.

Justin

“You don’t have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: We’re eating at The Olive Garden.”

Flying With Fish

My 5 year old son just watched a show on women helo pilots in the US Navy & asked “Dad, can boys do that too?” … I loved that :0)

Kevin Mitnick

Saw social network. Zuckerberg hacked into Harvard and got academic probation. I got 5 years. What’s wrong with the picture?

Jason Jordan

Today is 10/10/10 NOT 10/10/10 you stupid Americans.

Jeff Atwood

is to forums as Wikipedia is to Britannica.

Keith T. Garner

It was jut pointed out to me that thanks to the Internet the porn singularity has occurred. We are in a post-porn-scarcity world.

Stephen Colbert

Spent my week off doing some early trick-or-treating in the Caribbean. Yachters sure are generous when you’re wearing a pirate costume.

Paul Ford

Please stop “engaging” with the web.

Jason Brooks

So Linux is dead, Microsoft is dead, Java is dead, Flash is dead, the Web is dead, and MySpace has a new logo!

Fake AP Stylebook

When writing about Kanye West, please realize that you’re just encouraging him.

Fart Sandwich

Whenever I leave the house, I feel like I’m forgetting something. By the time I’m in the backseat of the cop car, I think, “Clothes!”

Anthony

I like when a cat puts a fish in its mouth, then pulls out the skeleton. Thought it was only in cartoons but then I saw a real cat do it

November

San Francisco won the World Series. Fans torched the city. I wish we would stop spending public money to subsidize professional sports.

I had a chance to attend the “LISA 2010” sysadmin conference . . . in San Jose. Met a lot of nice sysadmins.

For Thanksgiving, we visited Mei’s family in Hawaii. This was my first visit. Nice place! There was much feasting, and we selected a venue for the wedding, and set a date in 2011.

When we got home, we took receipt of a notice from the landlord giving us three days to pay or quit. The deadline had passed. I sent a letter requesting an explanation.

Angela Tung

thank god the world series is over. now i don’t have to deal with bright orange douches & douchettes on the CalTrain for another season.

The Onion

Remember to take the day off to vote. And the day before, to psyche up. And the morning after, to dry out.

Mike Monteiro

This is EXACTLY why marijuana should be legal.

Fake e-Etiquette

If a Facebook friend request has been pending for a long time, politely accept with a message detailing your recent mining job in Chile.

Brian Lynch

Meg Whitman discovered the position of governer does not have a “Buy it Now” option.

SV Transit Updates

RT @ No schedules for SB trains. All SB are local & depart when full (every 15-20 min) as of 5:30pm.

Stephen Colbert

If the cold weather is getting you down, just change the month on your watch to June and go for a jog on the beach!

A. Rich

beware of heroes as overloaded single points of failure. create situations where heroes are not necessary.

Philip J. Hollenback

My last OSCON & USENIX were 90% mac laptops. looks more like 70% macs. Everyone else better be running linux!

Stephen Colbert

Times are so tough that IHOP is now I-OP. The house part was foreclosed on.

Anil Dash

I always slightly resent being asked to justify why I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs or practice a religion. I’m the *default* setting!

Mitch Kapor

I just deactivated my Facebook account. Terminally fed up with constant privacy encroachments.

Jorge Mancheno

Penn Jillette calls the cops on the TSA. Amazing.

Saint Aardvark

SVN front end: displaying dates as “77 days ago” is NOT helpful.

Matt Mullenweg

There was a wedding on my @ flight to New York! The captain flew briefly over Canadian airspace so two gentleman could marry.

Bill Stiteler

I propose that instead of the Freedom Touch, TSA make us dance. Because as George Michael tells us, guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Todd Lappin

Hot Wheels: Artist Chris Burden combines Mattel toy cars, Lego, and Lincoln Logs to create world-class kinetic art:

Casey Stratton

Pope says condoms OK to prevent AIDS. In other news I just got a new Trapper Keeper and can’t wait for NYE 1985!

Phil Temples

“This is America. We don’t have adult conversations. We have Twitter.” -unknown

Paul Smith

Any time a movement is being driven by libertarian bloggers, it’s time to get off that bus.

John Halcyon Styn

“It is scary how much false attribution of quotes occurs on Twitter.” – Mark Twain

Anil Dash

Hey I’ve been lined up in front of this Circuit City since Thursday. Any idea when the doorbusters start?

jezhumble

Just occurred to me: there is more address space in my credit card number than in IPv4

Pat Sajak

Had my ego examined and certified by State of California. Now allowed to drive alone in car pool lane.

Wesley Nonapeptide

When I start thinking I’m an unparalleled loser, I just browse Craigslist Singles listings. I feel way better about myself now.

Kyle VanderBeek

The summaries of the report seem pretty clear to me: Let’s implement “Don’t ask, don’t give a damn” and move on.

Barack Obama

Confident that our troops will adapt to a repeal of DADT and remain the best led, best trained, best equipped fighting force in the world.

December

The landlord never answered my letter, but instead filed a civil suit of unlawful detainer against us. I talked to a bunch of people in Virginia to establish that they had made a billing error and undercharged our November rent, and they wanted me to pay the difference, plus a late fee, plus re-pay the December rent, plus their legal fees. I talked to some lawyers who indicated that we had a good case, so I compiled an answer, and am looking forward to the hearing.

However, the stress of worrying over an eviction proceeding over the holidays was a bit much, so we took the opportunity to seek out and move to a bigger apartment in a nicer complex. Since nobody wants to move the week before Christmas, they gave us the first month’s rent free.

Mei was notified that she had passed the medical Board Exam for which she had been studying since finishing her residency. To say that she was elated would be an understatement.

Congress repealed “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” and there was much rejoicing.

We made it home to Chicago for the holidays. There was much eating and visiting family and friends.

bmoyles

Wonder if the key to making millions is to become an IPv6 migration specialist

Keith T. Garner

@ My penis is

Jamie Wilkinson

Awesome URL of the day:

The Onion

Julian Assange Fired From IT Job At Pentagon

NASA Ames

No more guessing! Astrobiology announcement starts now on NASA TV

Fake e-Etiquette

If a horny local single invites you to chat, it is polite to make light conversation until the horniness subsides.

Jonathan Coulton

YOU GUYS WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU FORGET YOUR SLEEP NUMBER!? I CAN’T TELL IF THIS BED IS TOO HARD OR TOO SOFT!!

Dave Paola

Security and freedom will always be at odds, both in our American society and inside remote interactive python shells.

Michael Gurski

when it gets to the point i ignore alerts because they’re the new “normal”, it’s time to redo my threshholds…

Randy Duax

Wikileaks has unpublished info on UFOs!

Christy Ann

It’s nice of Universal Studios to have a “child swap” area, so if you decide you don’t like the kid you brought, you can get a better one!

Andreas Olsson

More and more of tweets are retweets. Not entirely sure on whatever that is a good or a bad thing.

Russell Nagle

To: the man reading to his daughter on @ (including all the silly voices). You sir are full of win.

Anil Dash

Don’t be assholes about Tumblr’s outage; Shit happens, & then it gets fixed. Meanwhile, *WRITE* a blog post instead of just quoting one.

RJ B.

seriously, ubuntu. it’s like you’ve picked all the ugly colors in the rainbow. bruise purple, off-brand dreamsicle orange.

phillip torrone

“any sufficiently advanced hobby is indistinguishable from a job” – from a reader, nice.

Fart Sandwich

It’s true, what they say. You really can never go back home again. Especially if you’ve burned it down in a drunken rage.

Joe Lieberman

Senator Reid told me he will “Rule 14” the free-standing repeal so it skips cmte and can come directly to the Senate floor.

Conan O’Brien

The fear of getting stuck in a chimney is called santaclaustrophobia. I wrote that joke when I was eight, and it still holds up.

Al-Qaeda

Just noticed Twitter keeps prompting me to “Add a location to your tweets”. Not falling for that one.

Kevin McPhillips

Share government’s secrets, go to jail. Share normal people’s secrets, TIME man of the year!

Dan Wright

KLINGON CHRISTMAS CAROL HAS LOTS OF YELLING

Anil Dash

On the plus side, all you people who’ve skated by on auto-posting your Delicious links to your blog are gonna have to start writing again.

Zack McQueen

Train operator: “Next stop, Hayward Park! Home of… uuh K-Mart. Good Christmas shopping there I guess. Yeah. Hayward Park” I love caltrain

Fart Sandwich

I guess CNN said Morgan Freeman died, then retracted the statement, which means he’s probably just a zombie. I’m cool with that.

Philip J. Hollenback

Dave & Busters is basically Chuck E. Cheese’s for grownups, right?

Anil Dash

Thank you to all the veterans who served our country even while it asked you to deny your identity. We owe you.

walter kirn

What do you call a gay US Army officer? Sir.

Andrew Schick

Cartooning advice: draw with a spy/thriller movie in the background. The musical score makes your sketches seem way more important.

Douglas Karr

Nothing quite brings out the spirit of the Holiday Season as much as tons of unnecessary & the subsequent unsubscribes.

Wesley Nonapeptide

If you are selling a service online and do not have an “About Us” page with real names and pictures of employees I will not buy from you

Philip J. Hollenback

Remember: if you are naming a mail server, ‘newman’ is an excellent choice.

Joe Schmitt

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m so old I can remember when blankets didn’t have sleeves.

snipe ツ

Why are Assembly programmers always soaking wet? They work below C-level.

Brad Fitzpatrick

Called AT&T (with a phone!) to cancel antiquated Yellow Pages delivery. They offered CD-ROM(!!) delivery as alternative. wtf.

Feisty Elle

One of the things I miss about China is that I could actually peek over people’s shoulders! :)

Verified ✔ Brian

I just got kicked out of Barnes & Noble for putting all the Bibles in the fiction section.

Steve Martin

The new year is almost here. I hope I can remember to stop writing 1998 on my personal checks.

rstevens

Just passed a defunct business called El Delicioso Hot Dog Express. Maybe I could steal the sign and open a male brothel.

2010 was a good year for me and mine. I hope that 2011 is a good year for you and yours.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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Categories: About Me, Biography, Free Style, Sundry, Technology

  • I will take this as a reason to write more tweets about suicide & abortion! And Apple & the weather!