this could seem flippant but anyhow here goes:

the trouble with family set-ups, marriage and co-habitation is that it is often based on the premise of ROMANCE. Stop that and realize the harsh realities of these so called errant spouses and what not… these people are just victims of themselves and their own humanities. The shit and piss like the rest of us. Bleed when cut and cry when their mum dies. Hey they will stink when rotting in their graves too so do be too hung up about losing a spouse, shit they are one or two steps up from the apes like all of us so take heart brothers and sisters and don’t get too hung up on ‘em. Move on and fuck ‘em all!! Yee haa!

I really want to thank you for this post. My wife dropped the bomb on me last Sunday at midnight. She was acting kind of weird so I asked her what was up. She told me she wanted a Divorce. I was in shock until Wed. Then I started doing some research. This entry seems to cover all the bases in a nutshell. I gave it to her today and asked that she read “for real” with an open mind. I can only hope that this puts a crack in her shell and opens the door to resolution. I will follow up next week.

something arose this weekend, my daughter who is with her this week, text me saying the new man is mad at her and calling her stupid and won’t let her speak…she is/was a strong independent women before her hooking up with him…I got concerned (cried that I could not be there to protect her) but did email her with a non-specific offer that without expectation, I would be there for her if she needed me for anything…but then today I stupidly called her at her work and again expressed concern, she denied any argument or name calling by him…my daughter wouldn’t lie about something like this but…I guess my stbx might be covering up some what…what should I have done or said if anything? brings me back to what haunts me…how could she choose this type of person over me…I never called her a name or verbally abused or bullied her ever…now she is being controlled and yelled at and professing that all is great…in love…happier than ever.

My wisdom would be to focus on the things you have power to help. With a house full of kids it sounds as if you have plenty to occupy your time and your love. Take care of the kids and take care of yourself: take this crisis as an opportunity to reflect, and since you are in a transition, look at what you would wish to make better in your own life, and in your family.

In all likelihood, you have lost the battle for your wife’s heart, and that sucks and is mighty painful and you’ll need some time to move on from that, but you have your family and your own heart to fight for. The times change, and some things are lost: look at what you have to gain . . .

Good luck and I wish you the best.

Sincerely,
-daniel

she did have difficulty (for some reason) with my very close relationship with our 3 children…yes often the good cop but they would all “do what they were told” when I asked them…once, firmly, vs many times nagged by her…I always accepted her impatience and seemingly lack of compassion (for us all)I wrote it all off as “work pressures, PMS and family stresses and household work…which never seemed to be done well enough,”up to her standards” by my help nor the kids.

all this to say, she one day said it’s over “move on” …the next 4 out of 6 nights went out with a guy she has known thru work for 10 years…told me and my 3 teenaged children they were just friends…but she also admitted to being at his house for “tea” 8 months earlier and lunches and coffees 2-3 times a week for the 3 months plus walking our dogs together when I was at work…prior to her announcement…I would have to guess that there was much more emails and calls just to coordinate these secret meetings…, after 25 years of being married, she moved out within a month, and in with this “friend” and has not looked back, it has been 6 months now, very little contact with her children…50/50 time with the youngest…the older two have friends or even themselves cheated on in their short lives by boyfriends or girl friends so feel their own mother has lied and covered up and cheated on their dad…unforgivable to them…and she left the home because of the toxic environment that she caused…she actually wanted to stay a year and keep seeing this other man while living at home with us all…that was never going to work for any of us and he offered an out.

I was devastated, I am the most patient person with what I consider a huge heart and very forgiving nature so I held out huge hope for her realizing that she (by her actions) has lost her husband (no big deal to her with another by her side) but also has lost her children’s love and respect…we are a middle class, never swearing, active family…but now the kids (even the youngest at 14) swear at her if they even bother answering her calls…her only attempts at reconciliation with them is “oh your still mad at me” and walks away or hangs up.

what I am going thru now (besides the betrayal and the hurt and the fact that this does not even come close to the moral, fun loving…husband and great father that I feel I am, I have never strayed, I do not drink or do drugs and I never have) and I know it is not my place anymore, is a great concern for her, the disrespect the kids have (to say the least) and more over…the other man…I know, wrong focus but…within 3 weeks the two of them (her and her other man) would come to the house and she would come in to take her things and she would feed some of our pets…he would park outside the home and stare into our front window…when she would leave and the two them would turn to me and shoot me the finger and my kids were in the room with me…(this is so out of character for her…she was a sunday school teacher on and off and on the outside, a very fun out going caring person)this fellow never leaves her side, drops her off at work in the morning, picks her up for lunch, drops her off after lunch then picks her up after work…repeats every day…and now walks her into her office too. he is a director of a good sized company but has taunted even my son…who could take him apart if I didn’t talk him out of it…I would too but I am smarter than that.

this fellow cheated with a married women, got a divorce because of it, dated other married women from my wifes cooperation…AND she knows all of this…can you say low life slime! HOW could she choose such a person over me…her friends love me and think I am great…and tell me they support her but know what she did (regardless of denying infidelity…benefit of the doubt that there was no sex)and agree she is doing this very poorly…meanly…and

any way, as I have said, she seems to have moved on, very little to do with even the youngest who she has every second week (but he is always with them and even sleeps with her while my daughter is there)and this was one of the best women I ever knew, best mother I ever knew…she has disassociated her self from her friends in lieu of this guy and is obviously blaming me for all of this, re-writing the marital history and is really living it up…vegas, cuba, arizona…all in the last few months…he has 5 kids and does not see them much…if at all.

I still care for her…her friends are concerned…more about the GUY…they call him her body guard and feel he is a controlling jerk…she is not her normal strong (controlling) self…he seems to call all the shots…

my question…is this too far gone…she could write a book on “how to not leave your husband” or “how to hurt the one you are leaving with as little compassion as possible”…but me and her friends think she will see what she has lost and see what kind of slime ball he is (I think she knows it but she needed some one to escape from what she felt was a draining marriage)…do I wait and see or close the door…I have not begged for her return but the few times I did correspond I did try to make her feel bad about the kids, reminding her that they have no interest in seeing her and the fact that will never have a relationship (other than a hateful one ) with her boyfriend…she seems (on the outside) to be o.k. with that.she and him have good income and are living the good life unencombered by family/children stresses etc…grass is seeming greener on his side right now.

I love her and cannot, will not answer the question of “would I take her back ” if it all came crashing down on her…all that know the two of them, including her lawyer, feel that they will not last when she realizes who she is with, what she has done and the loss of her children…I think she will be stubborn and never admit to making a mistake and she is out of his league so he will keep spending every thing he can to keep her interested and occupied…and he will never leave her side.

any thing you can offer in the way of words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated…